Two dreams of B. this week. I am not sure what that exactly means. Just that I had them. Both were sexual, although one more so than the other.

Part of my dream this morning, I was in a building with a group of people. I could see a military marching band outside of the window. There were black out shades on all the windows, and then the band faded and appeared inside the room, some of them were wounded. I opened my arms to one of the guys and he pulled off his hat/helmet. I was comforting him and welcoming him home, holding him close and hugging and kissing him, then just sitting in his lap. We looked out the window, through the bottom of the shade, and it was like we were moving, the whole building moving forward as if we were on wheels. And outside running along side of us were giant creatures, almost like dinosaurs, ferocious things. And if they sensed movement inside they would lunge towards the moving building/vehicle. We were trying to escape them. This strange world was run by these creatures. We outran them, the group of us, and we emerged from the building to a ghost-town looking like condominium complex, all the windows were boarded up, and the trees and shrubs were all overgrown. The person I was with earlier, held my hand and led me forward. We had nothing with us, just what we were wearing, no money or food. And we knocked on a door, and as we looked in this shack, we could see a row of beds, cots with people resting on them, and one of the people inside welcomed us in, and then another family moved to one side of a cot, so that we could have the other. We stayed there for a bit, then a group of about six of us decided to move on. We thanked the people who let us stay and then at night we escaped into the darkness. We had a little money, and we found another place to stay the next night, it was like a huge complex, and the guy I was with, was fishing in his pockets for something to barter with. We were led forward and then I woke up.

At work *yesterday.* LOL. I was sitting in the breakroom, eating my dinner, absorbed in a magazine article. I. walked in said hello, I mumbled hello back. I had my hair down which is a bit unusual, and I was wearing a red polo shirt. As he was walking out, he said, "That's a nice color on you." That made my day.

I also thwarted a potential shop-lifter! YAY!

I so have no money. *pout* And so many bills to pay.

Dear X,

It's amazing, that it takes such an event as those of September 11th, to turn over a new leaf. But everywhere you go, people are going out of their way to help one another. And it is inspiring. Kids are collecting pennies, people rushing to give blood, money, time to help those devestated. We united. We cried together, we grieved together, and slowly, ever so slowly, we are rebuilding together.

But the world is a changed place. We lost our innocence in a way that can never be fully and completely retrieved. But these horrific attacks brought us together, and it makes me proud, very proud.

George W. Bush said, that first night after the attack: "Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve."

Life goes on for the living. Flags fly at full staff once again, the seasons change, And the leaves change color and turn and flip. But its not the same...its never the same.

I feel so out of it, not unwell or sick, but just like I am bobbing to keep afloat and remembering that I can't swim. I have so many things I need to do. School is compounding that, but even though its alot of work, I can't wait to get out of work to go. Does that make any sense? I really am enjoying my classes even though they are very time intensive. I have nine more drawings due on Tuesday and then the following Tuesday a sketch model, combine all this with working full time, and my doll convention coming up at the end of October and a competition entry for that and where the heck does the time go? I would quit work in a minute if I could, devote myself entirely to school. But unfortunetely, one has bills to play and so to work I must go.

I got my second project back for my design class, I got a B+. I was okay with that, since I agreed with all her assesments of my model. I joined ASID as a student member, as well as my schools Interior Design Club. I had gone to the kick-off meeting last week, and signed up for the fundraising committee. It should be fun, and another thing that adds onto my schedule. But its these extra-curricular activities which are really good, not only for experience but for networking, not to mention fun.

It feels good not to do anything, and just sit here. The TV drones. I wish it were raining...and that I had a good book to read.

Monday seems so far away, the night of thunder.

I finished my project without pulling an all-nighter. That nap really helped. I stayed up till about 1:30 then got up at a leisurely 9:15. I had a few errands to run, to the doctor to get a prescription renewed, to the store to return some things, and then back to home to finish the final touch-ups on my foamcore project and then to finish the drawing. I had a slight headache when I woke up but hoped it would go away. While I was out, I stopped at McDonalds and had an early lunch. Took my vitamins and my allergy pill. Then about noon, I started feeling dizzy...queasy...throwing up. This couldn't happen now, I had to finish my drawing. I finished it, throwing up twice. Took a long shower, just letting the water pour over me. I had hoped to just drop my project off, I was still feeling dizzy, but only at certain times. But I did have to give a presentation. I signed up to go second. And then just sat there in a daze as I watched the other presentations. Then home to bed...

I woke up this morning with the same headache so I didn't go in, I just felt blah. At about three, I was a bit more coherent, and I checked the phone messages, S. had called. We have a visit tomorrow, and the mink bed needed to be done, could I please possibly come in? I called her back telling her I was still woozy from the migraine medication I had taken in the morning, but I had full trust in her and Lisa to create a wonderful display. I go in at 8am...and will do any tweaking then if I need to.

And now...I wonder, perhaps I took on too much with school. This design class is very time intensive. I shudder to think what some of the other classes are like. I have to take drafting and color theory and drawing.

I did venture out to school today though, it was the last night of my XHTML class. I redesigned my doll website: The Kristana Spa. I really like the way it looks. As I walked by Admissions, near the flag pole, a make-shift memorial had been built for Nicole Miller, the student killed in the terrorist attacks. Bears, and cards, and candles and flowers and pictures. It was beautiful. I find myself getting more emotional about things now. The National Anthem, while always able to give me goosebumps, now makes me cry.

Ginger is sitting in my lap, her ears are velvety.

You wouldn't know it had rained last night except for the fresh smell of the air.

I came home from work today, after stopping at the art store and ditching my XHTML class and climbed into bed (after getting undressed of course, LOL.) and slept. S. commented that I looked tired. I was actually at work a bit early this morning. They had waffles for us. YUM.

I awoke from my nap to a thunderstorm, BOOM BOOM BOOM. The sound of rain, my favorite...then silence and the flash and then BOOM BOOM BOOM.

It's raining now and there is sometimes a faint rumbling.

My project is due tomorrow. Of course it chose today to rain.

My body is tired. Work has been a bear this week, but not all bad. Just alot of work.

Monday I go in at 8. M. the manager told us in our daily morning meeting that there are going to be some changes, and that if you hear any rumors, before spreading them, to come see him. He announced some manager changes, and that more information would be forthcoming the next day. Of course, that's my day off. But by afternoon, M. had posted a letter in a breakroom that he would be transferring to another store, and that if we needed him to feel free to contact him at any time. Blah blah blah. But by afternoon, a gloom lifted off the store...the word trickled out..M. was leaving. YAY!

Tuesday, I had class. I worked on my nine sketches for my next project in the afternoon before class. I had to take my last drawing and adapt it into three different views, one top view and two side views. Then one of these sets of drawings becomes the basis for a three dimensional model. I then attended my first meeting of the Interior Design Club at school. It sounds like alot of fun. I signed up for the fundraising comittee. At the end of the year there is a sample sale as well as other fun things, guest speakers and field trips.

Wednesday work just seemed to drag on. We got in tons of freight, so for the last three days, the associates have doing not only their job, and the cashier's job, but the job of the stock team. H. and I probably opened at least 150 boxes yesterday. And they are so dirty. Monday I went to class filthy, but I don't have time to go home before class. And it isn't helping that the air conditioning in the store doesn't seem to be working as it has been in the past. Today was just the same, but our new manager K. started. Already things have changed a bit, we are back to "pushing freight" the way we had in the past, which means in theory I shouldn't have to the work of the stock team. But first we have to catch up. Today I wound up remapping the quilt room, and then setting it to the map. I'll have to move the displays to match later. I can only do so much in a day.

Oh but I am jumping ahead a bit. LOL. Last night C., her sister, and I went to go see Nosferatu at the Stanford Theater. It was amazing. Dennis James played the Wurlitzer. It was creepy. The theater was packed. My fingers were buttery. It made me think of Shadow of the Vampire. B. and I saw that on Valentine's Day. We should have seen that together. But it's funny, B. and I saw a couple of vampire movies. Perhaps I just sucked the life out him just like that. Becoming too clingy...feeling too much. Hmmmm. I'll never know.

My project is due on Tuesday. Wish me luck, I am still not familiar with these tools.

Here's a site that has free US Flags for download.

Salon.com News | An Afghan-American speaks

One of the girls I work with is from Afghanistan. She just became an American citizen. I asked about her family back in Afghanistan, she said she only has a few distant cousins left there. But I think she is a little bit scared, like the rest of us. This is still all surreal.

I have to get my plane tickets for my October trip to Tulsa. Yes I am scared to fly...but short of getting on a bus, there is no way to get there quickly. I have to live my life, I can't let the fear overcome me like this.

But we are preparing for war...and a week ago we weren't...

The news is on...its been on and I flip channels when I get overwhelmed.

I didn't cry until today.

I was driving to University Art to pick up some art supplies for school. I was listening to the radio. They were replaying something from Friday morning's radio show. A young girl, well a teenager really, called the radio station to make a request for a song and a prayer to be played later that afternoon. Her dad was stuck in Boston, he was getting on a plane that afternoon, she hadn't yet heard from him, and couldn't get through to him on his cell phone. So Gene and Julie (the morning hosts on Z 95.7 asked for the number and after a series of rings were able to get through. She was so happy, she was crying, and so was I when they told each other they loved each other.

wtc-filter

I am watching the service from this morning, err...yesterday morning. It's beautiful.

I am not a religious person, but this is touching me in a way I can't explain.

God Bless America

(CNN) -- President Bush addressed a prayer service on Friday at the Washington National Cathedral. Here is a transcript of his comments:

We are here in the middle hour of our grief. So many have suffered so great a loss, and today we express our nation's sorrow. We come before God to pray for the missing and the dead, and for those who loved them.

On Tuesday, our country was attacked with deliberate and massive cruelty. We have seen the images of fire and ashes and bent steel.

Now come the names, the list of casualties we are only beginning. They are the names of men and women who began their day at a desk or in an airport, busy with life. They are the names of people who faced death and in their last moments called home to say, be brave and I love you.

They are the names of passengers who defied their murderers and prevented the murder of others on the ground. They are the names of men and women who wore the uniform of the United States and died at their posts.

They are the names of rescuers -- the ones whom death found running up the stairs and into the fires to help others. We will read all these names. We will linger over them and learn their stories, and many Americans will weep.

To the children and parents and spouses and families and friends of the lost, we offer the deepest sympathy of the nation. And I assure you, you are not alone.

Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history, but our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil.

War has been waged against us by stealth and deceit and murder.

This nation is peaceful, but fierce when stirred to anger. This conflict was begun on the timing and terms of others; it will end in a way and at an hour of our choosing.

Our purpose as a nation is firm, yet our wounds as a people are recent and unhealed and lead us to pray. In many of our prayers this week, there's a searching and an honesty. At St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York, on Tuesday, a woman said, "I pray to God to give us a sign that he's still here."

Others have prayed for the same, searching hospital to hospital, carrying pictures of those still missing.

God's signs are not always the ones we look for. We learn in tragedy that his purposes are not always our own, yet the prayers of private suffering, whether in our homes or in this great cathedral are known and heard and understood.

There are prayers that help us last through the day or endure the night. There are prayers of friends and strangers that give us strength for the journey, and there are prayers that yield our will to a will greater than our own.

This world He created is of moral design. Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end, and the Lord of life holds all who die and all who mourn.

It is said that adversity introduces us to ourselves.

This is true of a nation as well. In this trial, we have been reminded and the world has seen that our fellow Americans are generous and kind, resourceful and brave.

We see our national character in rescuers working past exhaustion, in long lines of blood donors, in thousands of citizens who have asked to work and serve in any way possible. And we have seen our national character in eloquent acts of sacrifice. Inside the World Trade Center, one man who could have saved himself stayed until the end and at the side of his quadriplegic friend. A beloved priest died giving the last rites to a firefighter. Two office workers, finding a disabled stranger, carried her down 68 floors to safety.

A group of men drove through the night from Dallas to Washington to bring skin grafts for burned victims. In these acts and many others, Americans showed a deep commitment to one another and in an abiding love for our country.

Today, we feel what Franklin Roosevelt called, "the warm courage of national unity." This is a unity of every faith and every background. This has joined together political parties and both houses of Congress. It is evident in services of prayer and candlelight vigils and American flags, which are displayed in pride and waved in defiance. Our unity is a kinship of grief and a steadfast resolve to prevail against our enemies. And this unity against terror is now extending across the world.

America is a nation full of good fortune, with so much to be grateful for, but we are not spared from suffering. In every generation, the world has produced enemies of human freedom. They have attacked America because we are freedom's home and defender, and the commitment of our fathers is now the calling of our time.

On this national day of prayer and remembrance, we ask almighty God to watch over our nation and grant us patience and resolve in all that is to come. We pray that He will comfort and console those who now walk in sorrow. We thank Him for each life we now must mourn, and the promise of a life to come.

As we've been assured, neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities, nor powers nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth can separate us from God's love.

May He bless the souls of the departed. May He comfort our own. And may He always guide our country.

God bless America.

I did go to class today. I really didn't want to, but you have to do things sometime that you don't want to do. We're not moving things one day, we are just combining two classes into one. I got my drawing back. I got a B-. I am actually okay with that, she said she doesn't give A's on the first assignment, and that as a whole, the class did very well. We learned about our next project today. We are taking our 2-D drawing and making it 3-D. In foam-core. *Joy* I have nine preliminary sketches due on Tuesday and then the project is due the following Tuesday. I am wondering now what I got myself into.

America Under Attack

School is closed tomorrow. One of the victims on Flight # 93 went to my school. Her name was Nicole Miller.

Some firefighters have been found. Wonderful news.

SFO has slowly started to resume flight activity, the same with SJC. Not all flights are in operation though. I am supposed to fly to Tulsa in October. I am not sure if I want to, I am seriously considering taking the bus or even the train. It will mean more time off, especially if I take the bus. But my convention will not be cancelled. Life goes on.

In London, at Buckingham Palace, during the changes of the guard, they are playing the American National Anthem. I got goosebumps. The support is heartening.

The awesome coming together today makes me proud to be an American.

Here are some links about the story I just posted:

Canadian Communications Foundation - Fondation Des Communications Canadiennes

The Americans by Gordon Sinclair

A friend sent me this, I thought I would share it with you:

TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED STATES

America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth.

Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.

When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the
streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by
tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.

I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States Dollar build its own airplane. Does any other
country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, The Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why
do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes?

Why does no other land on earth even consider Putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put Theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued
and hounded.

They are here on our streets, and most of them,unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not One of those."

Stand proud, America

The Fine Line -- a first hand account with links to pictures.

God Bless America

I have to change the subject...so What's in a name? (Link via: Nic's Notes.)

Your name of Kristan gives you the ability to be creative along practical lines of endeavour. Your ideas can be very original and inventive. You enjoy being with people in a social environment. Your personal appearance is important to you, for you desire to make a good impression on others. Your pleasant manner attracts people to you with their problems and you are capable of offering practical advice, though you would probably not follow such advice yourself. This name causes you to be somewhat too concerned with the personalities, problems, and activities of other people. You seem positive and decisive and can be outspoken in the expression of your opinions, but you lack the self-confidence needed to follow through with your ideas and plans. Procrastination is your downfall. You frequently choose the path of least resistance to avoid your responsibilities. It is not easy for you to overcome obstacles or face issues. This name does you an injustice in that it restricts your success in business and personal pursuits through a lack of ambition. There is a weakness in the fluid functions and in the region of the head resulting in sinus problems, headaches, eye, ear, or throat conditions and related ailments. Hair loss could also be a problem.

Amazing! This is right on in a lot of areas! Especially that procrastination thing.

"In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two brothers torn apart by Chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will succumb. The third big war will begin when the big city is burning". -- Nostradamus, 1654.

I was reading one of my doll e-mail lists...this just kinda puts all into a personal frame of reference:

Subject: Re: The World Trade Center

I am fine, as is everyone in my family. Thank God for that. My daughter goes to high school on the Upper West Side, and my husband has gone to pick her up. I live on the Upper EAST Side.) Central Park is closed to traffic, so it will take him some time to get there and back. But I have talked to her, and I know that she's fine.

I have tried to call people, but I keep getting busy signals for out of state calls. I did finally reach my mother in Phoenix.

My daughter-in-law saw the second plane hit from where she works. Everyone in her office dropped everything and evacuated immediately. They walked down 50 flights of stairs. Then she took a subway as far as she could, to the edge of Manhattan. She finally got home by walking across the Williamsburg Bridge to Brooklyn. I was most worried about her, because she works closer to the site than anyone else in the family.

It's strange here today. The weather is glorious, and there are more people walking around than I have ever seen in my neighborhood, which is mainly residential and quiet. Strangers are talking to each other on the streets. The lines at supermarkets are very long, as people are hoarding food and bottled water. You see many moms and dads with little children, who they have picked up early from school.

It's strangely quiet, but he stillness is repeatedly broken by screaming sirens.

I was walking home from the deli with some food and talked with a young man who had walked all the way home from the Trade Center area. He had seen one tower collapse and had seen people jumping out the windows. What an absolute horror.

My daughter and husband just walked in the door. I am now going to give them a nice long hug, and then I'm going to nest in here and watch TV, like everyone else in the world. Our poor world.

Laure

Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. --George W. Bush

I am stunned, to say the least. Shock, disbelief, amazement, sadness, anger. All of these emotions are swirling about. I really don't know what to say. We have lost our innocence once again it seems. Tomorrow, everything is going to be completely different.

I have been watching the news all day. Well since I got home from work. I woke up around 7:15, dragged myself out of bed, switched on the radio, wandered to the kitchen to take my vitamins. Came back to brush my teeth and wash my face, the radio was on a different station. Normally I just turn it on for noise in the background, the voices were hushed a bit, and they weren't the usual morning crew. The Pentagon on fire? Focusing...Oh my god.... And the World Trade Center? Surreal. It's all too surreal.

The commute to work was light, hardly anyone out. I was actually early. L. shaking, on the brink of crying. Just everything not just quite...there. News trickling in, all the radios on surrounded by the Muzak system.

It really amazes me that people need to shop in a time like this. We get word that Valley Fair -- the local shopping mall, is closed down. People are wanting matress pads and twin extra-long sheets. D. walks around and gives an impromptu meeting in each of the departments, going over emergency routes and procedures. We work on our projects...we get word that we are going to close at 5p.m. I call my family on my break. Then I call school. I use the automated number, expecting a recording, amazed when I get a real person..."Are classes cancelled?" "Yes."

The day passes in a dream-like state...and now I sit here...writing, glued to the TV, just shocked and amazed...

CNN.com - Text of Bush's address - September 11, 2001

CNN.com - Chronology of terror - September 11, 2001

A photo is worth a 1000 words...Photo Gallery

Who might have done it?

(These links via hoshq.com.)

What others are saying: BLOGGER - Search

Ginger is making it hard to write, she keeps moving around into my lap and then near my keyboard and then directly on to my arm.

I went to M.'s today. Everything was fine. And then it wasn't. Perhaps the combination of seeing the picture of them together, the flash of gold. Or maybe the aftermath of "that time of the month." Or both...I don't know. As I said I was fine when I got there, I was content just to be. To hang out, to just be together in his company...oh we could have a bit of fun and we did. He had this little "Passion Spinner" game, you spin the wheel and do what it tells you, we played that a bit, but I wasn't really into it. So then it was Wheel of Fortune on Playstation. Best two out of three...loser has to do what the winner wants. Well, I lost. I actually won the first round. So of course what did M. want to do? Yep...I was fine at the beginning. And then I couldn't stop it again, the crying. I tried to keep my eyes closed, but I couldn't stop them, and I pushed him off of me, and he tried to get me to laugh, tried to get me to explain what was wrong? (Geeez and even now its getting me upset!) "I don't know...I don't know, shaking my head..." How can I just blurt out that I feel guilty being here...in her bed, seeing that picture there of the two of you, looking so happy? That I hate going home alone. Can you understand anything I am trying to get across to you without putting it into words? It's not fair of me to do that I know. I just want something special and beautiful of my own. Is that too much to ask? *sigh*

I am working myself into a headache again, I should hop into the shower. My nose is stuffed up. Ginger is my lap again.

And I never noticed how blue his eyes were before.

He had to go to Sear's to return something and asked if I wanted to go along. We took separate cars, I was following him, and he took a backway over side streets I was unfamiliar with, and I lost him, and it just upset me more, and I sat at the stoplight crying, waiting and cursing the slow light. I caught up with him and found him up on the second floor, and Sear's was getting ready to close. He called her to get a date on when they purchased the item. And I turned around and shoved my hands in my sweatshirt pocket. We walked to the escalater and took it down, walking out to our cars. He asked what I was going to do, "Probably go to the bookstore..." He was going to come with me and then decided to go back home and look for his receipt. Maybe...we're going to a movie on Tuesday...but who is to say what will happen. This is actually a busy week for me...I asked for Saturday and Sunday off for the Gene Signing at my local doll shop, and then M. (my boss M.) got involved in making the schedule and messed it all up. Apparently my note got lost and so he scheduled me to work. But I told my manager, S. that I had already made plans for the weekend that can't be changed. We'll see what happens.

He IMed me later:

M. [9:08 PM]: r u ok
Kristana41 [9:09 PM]: i don't know...i don't think i can sleep with you anymore if this keeps happening
M. [9:10 PM]: ok no prob
Kristana41 [9:10 PM]: are you sure we've already gone through this before
M. [9:11 PM]: ok with me i promise
Kristana41 [9:12 PM]: are you okay?
Kristana41 [9:13 PM]: so are you not going to talk to me about this or what?
M. [9:14 PM]: nope frozen computer sorry
i am fine
Kristana41 [9:15 PM]: i don't know i just expected you to say more
Kristana41 [9:20 PM]: hello?
M. [9:21 PM]: downloading something be back soon

Of course he logged off...

He's back online now under that other name...

Nona and I talked about Mom again, about how she is. We are alot alike, Nona and I, how she just wants to cry because it will her feel better even though it doesn't really help...I feel the same way...

My Mom has discovered the internet. It scares me. She just tapped on my door in that annoying way she has, and asked me if I was online. Um, yes. "So that is why I can't get on." I think she huffed in aggrevation as she went back into the other room. Oh well.

I started working on my project for my Web Development class. I started converting some of my old website pages from HTML to XHTML. Whee!! Yes, I know some of the links at the bottom don't work, I haven't gotten to those pages yet! LOL.

M. IMed me under that other name again:

XXX [12:39 AM]: good evening
Kristana41 [12:39 AM]: hiya
XXX [12:39 AM]: how ru this evening
Kristana41 [12:39 AM]: okee
XXX [12:39 AM]: i am scott
Kristana41 [12:39 AM]: okee sure
XXX [12:40 AM]: and u r
Kristana41 [12:40 AM]: i thought my profile said that...and the other night you said you were mitch...
XXX [12:40 AM]: no scott
Kristana41 [12:41 AM]: ahhh okee
XXX [12:42 AM]: would u like a pic
XXX [12:42 AM]: i dont have one sorry
Kristana41 [12:42 AM]: then why did you ask if i wanted one?
XXX [12:43 AM]: just making conversation
may i sleep with u tomorrow
Kristana41 [12:43 AM]: scott huh?
XXX [12:43 AM]: just making conversation
XXX [12:44 AM]: i have a great halloween costume
Kristana41 [12:44 AM]: oh?
XXX [12:44 AM]: just wearing a pair of pants
i can be a premature ejaculation
i just come in my pants
Kristana41 [12:45 AM]: ahhhh interesting
XXX [12:46 AM]: so is that a yes to tomorrow at around 8
Kristana41 [12:46 AM]: but scott i hardly know you
XXX [12:47 AM]: what better way to get to know someone
Kristana41 [12:48 AM]: hmmmm

And then he logged off and surprise, surprise he IMed me under his regular name...asking if I could come over tomorrow...he misses those soft kisses.

Mom and I were at Jamba Juice waiting for our smoothies. A young couple was walking to the other side to wait. They were probably high school age, or just a tad older. She had her arms around him, he had his hand in her back pocket, and she would stand close and kiss him and then he would move her in front of him to hold her close. Mom made some comment about how she hated seeing that. All I could think of was B., and how we walked from the parking garage to dinner one night. Or sitting in Carrow's while trying to remain composed when hands roamed under the table...at the Egyptian Museum...it all flashed in an instant, and I just nodded to her...

My 10 year high school reunion was tonight. I didn't go.

I went 8th when I did my presentation. It was okay. I hate making speeches, but I think I did okay. The teacher said she doesn't give A's for the first assignment as we "don't know enough." I can agree with that.

I talked a bit to M. At first he IMed me under a name he hadn't used before with me, pretending to be someone, and frankly it was quite annoying so I put him on ignore. So then he called me on my cell-phone, asking about my new friend XXX....and then we got cut off. We then talked a bit online a bit, he apologised for Tuesday. I told him I was not mad at him not able to go (he had to work) just that he didn't call. I could have made other plans. He apologised again for being so insensitive. I asked about his pager, which has been disconnected. He doesn't use it anymore...just to call him at work...and not at home...hello...I am not an idiot.

I should go to bed. I don't really want to go to work tomorrow.

I stayed up till almost 2am, trying to finish my drawing, but I felt a headache coming on so I went to bed, got up a bit earlier, then decided to call in. Lack of sleep and the need to finish this project just zapped me. I am so tired. I finished it though, I don't really like it but then hey, I don't have to like everything I do. I still have my headache. I wish it would go away.

I am taking a break from my drawing it's due tomorrow...um, today. It's pretty much done, but, I am a bit stuck. I am not sure what kind of texture my base plane needs and its also lacking something else, but I have no idea exactly what yet. And it's 1am, and I don't want to be up that much longer, yet I don't want to rush it either. I hate going into work at 8am. ICK. At least I will be off at 3 though. Okay that's enough of a break, I need to finish.

M. and I were supposed to go to the movies today. Well, we didn't. He didn't call to tell me that plans had changed. Not that I am surprised. This is what I can expect I guess...what I am used to. Yes I deserve better, I know. I just have learned to not have any expectations in this situation.

Went to school and attempted to work on my drawings for my design class. I have no idea what I am really doing. It's due Thursday. I work tomorrow and have class. *YAY*

While up to let the cat out, I came back with munchies. Mmmmmm. Beef Jerkey.

Ginger has decided that the best place to sit is in the middle of a magazine I am reading, err, trying to read. So the history of the buttonhole will have to wait.

We had a barbecue at work today, it was actually quite nice. Well a free lunch is always nice.

(Ginger has moved to the other side now, walking across the keyboard...and now she is sitting on my purse. She is a queer cat. (I've been reading The Little Princess and all through the other schoolgirls described Sara Crewe as queer, and odd. Since she liked to pretend she was a princess, to forget the hardships she was going through.) The nerve!! Now she is leaving! *harumph!!* I must go open the door to let her out before she starts crying...)

I had an interesting dream this morning, err...yesterday morning. I wrote about it over at kristana's journal. I will be writing a bit more over there as well as here. My friend hakeswill (see his journal link at the right) was extremely generous in paying for a year of "Premium" services over at Live Journal for me. That was wonderfully nice of him. I'll update my links hopefully in the next few days. :o)

Okee NOW I am really going to go to bed!

I am happy I guess, but tears can come easily if I let them. I don't know why.

Half a loaf. Yep I guess it is at that. Wheat please, lightly toasted with butter and cinnamon and sugar. Mmmmmm. And a tall glass of ice cold milk.

"Your legs are smooth."

"I know I just shaved them."

"Ahhhh you missed a spot."

"I was going fast."

He snuggles as we watch TV, "You smell nice. Fresh."

"Thanks." I was smiling, absorbed, watching Spot the cat stretch and play with the Sunday paper, just glad to just sit there.

He told me the other night. "It's not just the sex, it never was, although it's great, but its more, I want you to understand I never thought of you in just that way. If this ends -- if the sex ends -- I still want us to be friends."

I was going to write something else, but it eludes me at the moment. I should probably go to bed, unlike most people, I do have to work tomorrow.

He kissed me like I kissed him, soft and slow and trailing...I was straddling him, still fully clothed, he had taken off my glasses and was rubbing his hands up and down my sides, kissing my neck...and I melted, and I let him undress me, and it was soft and sweet and intense and I was crying. I couldn't stop myself it was just such an emotional thing right then. I can't explain it. It had been hovering at the surface that whole time. And he asked me what was wrong, and looked me straight in the eyes, asking me if I wanted to stop and I did and I didn't and I couldn't put anything into words. I was absorbed in sensations and they felt wonderful. I knew intellectually that I could stop it at anytime, but I didn't want it to stop...not really.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, no, I don't know."

"Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not. I'm not mad at you."

"Are you sure? Look at me please. Are you sure?"

"Yes I am sure...I am not mad at you. I am mad at myself."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Soon..."

"Don't be mad at yourself."

"I can't help it, it's the way I am. I did something I told myself I wasn't going to do."

Arms around me, holding me softly.

He called the next day asking how I was, I told him okay. "Are you sure?" Yes. I was okay. I really was. Really.

"That was the most amazing sex we have ever had. That neck thing..."

"Thank-you. I agree."

"Any other tricks you want to show me?"

I was there earlier today. We had planned Thursday I guess it was, to watch a video, he called and left a message on my voice-mail. I was in the shower when he called back, stepped part way out to answer the phone.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Where are you?"

"In the shower--washing my hair."

"Oh thanks for the amazing visual, I am imagining you dripping..."

I was sitting on the couch, he pulled me up I was laughing we were dancing. I had kicked my shoes off. "I want to show you something." Pulling me to the bedroom.

"No." Laughing. "We are going to stay right here."

"You're stubborn."

"I'm a Taurus. It goes with the territory."

"So, I am an Aries..." He lifts me up and carries me, almost tripping on a shoe in the hallway, and whisks me to the other room. No one has ever carried me like that before. I am not a small petite thing, and I know I weigh more than he does. I am laughing, he is kissing me and he hadn't shaved today and it tickles and I am laughing, giggling. The room is light and airy and the fan is bringing in the cool air...and I surrender again...awash in sensations and I really am okay with it...

It drives me absolutely bonkers when my checkbook does not balance. Grrrrrr.

To be or not to be...The Shakespeare of Surf