Remember that moment in Jane Eyre when Jane says..."Reader, I married him..." Yet we knew all along? That's how I feel right now...that when I make my own declaration...

"Reader, I slept with him..." It wouldn't be so shocking, yet in a way it is. I really don't know what to say, or what I expected to happen when I went over to M.'s. We needed to talk, in person, that's for sure.

I wrote that last night...and now if you want to get technical, it's two days later, since it's Saturday, but that's if you want to get technical.

Yes...I did it and I don't know what to think. I really don't. I didn't expect it to happen...I don't think he expected it to happen. I was expecting to "keep to my guns" so to speak, and he was expecting me not to give in.

We watched some wrestling video he had. He taped it, this was a match he had gone to, and being in the second row, he managed to get on camera. And yes, he acted like the typical male species in the situation, clenched fist, YEAH!

I was very tense, and sitting on the floor, and he was sitting on the couch above me, his legs on either side, and he started massaging my shoulders, and I started relaxing. And we talked a bit, about everything...I must admit this was the first time we really talked like that, and it was good, that we wanted to move on from where we were, but damnit he was going to try. He kissed me and I didn't kiss him back...

But damn...those kisses on my neck...resolve did break down, it took a good two hours. He asked me to kiss him. I did, a short sweet closed-mouth kiss. Very chaste. He asked me to name five of my favorite things, while I lay on my back in the darkness. The sound of the rain in the middle of the night. The smell of a new Madame Alexander doll. Getting a new doll. And drinking an ice-cold Mr. Pibb on a windy day. "That's only four things." Ahhh no, it was five...We laughed alot...he tried it all. I was being strong, and then he asked me to kiss him. And I did, a soft kiss at the base of his neck, a trailing lick up to his ear and back down. Oh it was evil. He was on his back on the bed, wearing shorts. I could hear his breath catch, and he whispered softly, asking me to do it again...and I did, and he grabbed my hand and I could feel him spasm as my tongue reached that hollow again. "I like that, those soft kisses -- no one has ever kissed me like that before." "No one?!?" "No one...its always for me tongue straight down the throat." We laughed, oh I hadn't laughed in so long. Amazingly I was still dressed, a sleeveless purple turtleneck sweater, and faded jeans, my thongs had dropped to the floor awhile before.

Ahhhh my eyes are drooping and I still have a tale to tell...damn...

It's cooler tonight, I can't wait to cuddle down into my blankets and go to sleep. And I get to sleep in...and work at two...it was supposed to be at 11:30, but M., has a cow about having two people in the department closing. S. fought him on it but she didn't win. I really like S., she's new and we seemed to bond right off. She reminds me alot of F. who was my manager at my last job, and when she left, I left too...infact, S., worked there too.

Oh please do yourself a favor and view this page only in I.E. It will look ALOT better. Thanks. :o)

Ahhh sketches are done. Once I started it was a bit fun. I like one alot more then the other two. And now I am watching Inside Edition and Ginger is sitting in my lap.

The story on Inside Edition is about mothers who do "extended" breast feeding. This one woman has..is...still breastfeeding and her daughter is five years old. Truthfully, this just weirds me out. My Mom tried to breast feed me...but I made her nipples bleed. LOL. So that ended that.

I had better start on my sketches now.

"One last time..."

And the post I made last night -- yes it alludes to M. *sigh*

"Soft kisses..."

Sketches, sketches, I have sketches I need to do. I am not inspired to do them, as I need more prep or something, and I am trying to read and visualize concepts which are very foreign to me. And then I have to talk about my sketches in terms of these architectural terms. Eeeek!! At least the XHTML, I can understand. Of course me sitting here writing is not getting my preliminary sketches done.

Ya know Stacey Keach did not age too well.

Hmm well I do have alot to write about I am just a bit too tired to write about it now, but I think it might be better after I digest events anyhows. So look for that, I think. I shouldn't make promises I can't keep, but I think I can keep this one. So hopefully tomorrow, if I am I a good girl and finish my sketches for my design class. My eyes are soooooooo tired.

I've been watching Manimal all day on the SciFi channel. Ya gotta love these 80's shows. Still its not as cool as Tales of the Gold Monkey.

Yay!! Look! All my archives are back and things seem to be working again!!

Nope it's not working. *pout* So it must be a Blogger related "thing."

Hmmm is thing working? It seems my archives aren't. I wonder what's up...hmmmm.

I guess I should prolly go onto bed now, that means clearing it off of all the stuff that has accumulated. genre is looking pretty much how I want it to look. I have to look at the code more closely though to get a feel for it. It's got things I am not used to seeing. But then that's good practice for me for when I take CSS. I think now that I am back here on blog*spot I can throw in an include. I like that the archives (which seem to be acting a bit wonky at the moment) are back on the same page. That's an include, and not allowed on Geocities. I am sure ya'll want to know this, LOL. So what do I have left? Hmmm the search engine and the guestbook. That's about it.

I did have an odd dream this morning, well several. I knew I was laying on my back which is odd for me, and I was perfectly still. The first one was very sexual, yet that's all I remember. The second, the one I remember parts of, I was swimming/wading in a pool, talking to someone, listening to them talk about shark attacks. And I said something about not having to worry, since this was a pool. And whoever I was talking about said something about them being surprise attacks. I dipped under the water to see if I could see anything and when I popped back up I felt my hand in a mouth and a pain shooting up. I looked down at my hand to see the blood swirling and the shark skimming the surface of the water. Amazingly though I was very calm. I don't remember much after that though.

Whee a new look! And back to the new(old) URL of http://puella.blogspot.com. For those of you who remember your High School Latin, puella is Latin for girl. I'm a girl in case ya didn't notice. ;o)

Anyhows, I still have a bit of tweaking to do but the gist is here.

I had a very interesting dream this morning...it was very Murder in Small Town X-ish. The whole tone and investigating like feel, but I was having some torrid affair with my friend D. which is odd since he is gay. (Damn that too, he's a cutie. LOL.) He was wearing his pink shirt and khakis. I was wearing a dark dress and looked very Pre-Raphaelite-ish with long flowing locks and shadowy eyes.

Damn I have the hiccups. *hic*

Whee!! My package came today!!!

My package should be here tomorrow or Saturday.

Whee!! Blogger is two years old!! I'd sing but well...it would be bad, very bad.

Oh I love these so much!! ;o) fidius.org: What's My Pirate Name? (1/3)

Mine is...Mad Morgan Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr

For the record, my stipper name is Typhoon Silverpants.

Sometime before class:

I hate waiting. At least if the classroom was open, I could be making this entry at a computer rather than on my Visor. But at least here Iam.

My foot is falling asleep.

I wonder if my package arrived back at it's beginning destination. Hmmmmm.

I wish Handspring would come out with a version with a wireless modem like Palm. I want to upgrade, but I can wait. Ooh, color AND a modem.

I saw the commercial again. So I am thinking of B. and just licking his neck.

I am all stuffed up again. Damn allergies.

So I am officially a student again. I started classes yesterday. Oh it was so nice to leave work early. I got to read my copy of Glamour while I waited for class to begin. The class almost didn't happen, as there were not alot of students. Only about ten people. We just went over the basics for HTML, this is actually an XHTML class, but its almost the same. It was a good review, I took the HTML class about three years ago.

Today I had my Elements and Principles of Interior Design class. It looks like its going to be very detailed. I shall have to be a good girl and actually study. The cost of supplies. EEEEEEEK!! My two books were about $80, not to mention all the other stuff I need, foam board cutters, paper, rulers, a compass, special pens. Thankfully, Amazon.com had the book for my Intro to Interior Design class for about $20 less. And hardback too, the school bookstore only had the soft cover version. I didn't even think to do Amazon for my other books. Next semester for sure, I will check there first.

So apparently, my package got put in the wrong pile and got sent back to Texas. GRRRRR.

Surprise, surprise, my package is still missing.

I am all stuffed up and headachy. School starts tomorrow. I have to go into work early. YAY!

The post office still can't find my package! GRRR!!

M. called earlier, on my cell phone, I picked up since I didn't recognize the number. If he calls from his house, it is usually listed as "private number." He asked how I was. I said okay. He then asked what was up, asking if I was free to talk. And I said, "I don't think we should see each other in that way anymore." "Is that how you feel?" "Yes, it is." There were noises in the background. I am not sure where he was, I don't think he was at home, he wouldn't have been calling me there with J. there. He said, "I'll talk to you later."

That conversation was easier than I thought, probably because I wasn't expecting it to happen right then. I do expect to hear more on the matter. We'll see.

The one spot on my breast that got sunburned on Sunday is peeling.

Damn the post office!

A package I was expecting to be delivered wasn't since no one was home to sign for it. So I got the little slip telling me to either arrange for re-delivery or pick it up at the station. So, since I was closing, I thought I would leave a bit earlier to pick it up on my way to work. And the station is of course in the complete opposite direction from work, and I was running on empty and the nearest Shell station was close to work, but I digress. So I am standing in line, there are two windows open. And three people ahead of me. The one woman is talking of things, just jabbering away, on and on. Finally, I am at the front of the line, and I give her my slip, and she just wanders off into the back to look for my package. She's back there a long time. I call my boss to let her know I was going to be late. She come back with no package, apologising that she can't find it. "What do you mean?" "I tried looking for the carrier, but he's not back yet." "Can't you call him?" "There's no way for us to call them." I am fuming right now, and I know I said fuck, although rather quietly before I asked, "Well, what can you do for me?" "I'm sorry there is nothing I can do." Of course I am fuming, and as I stomp off (makes me wish I was wearing heels so you could hear that decidely click, click, click.) I say, "Well, thank-you very much."

So I get in my car and call home to see if the mail had been delivered. Of course it had, so I couldn't try to schedule the re-delivery.

So I call the 800 number on the slip, sitting through all the options. Hang up, then call back. Finally getting to talk to a person. The first words out of my mouth, "Who do I complain to?!? I got an attempted delivery receipt and attempted to pick it up and they were unable to locate my package..." "I'm sorry ma'am, my computer system is down." "Oh this is just fucking ridiculous!" CLICK.

Yes, I swear alot when I am mad. Grrrr.

My package sure as hell better be there when I go back tomorrow.

You know life was a whole lot simpler when I was a virgin.

Ahhhh *sigh* Breathe is on the radio.

I really don't want to go into work today. I just don't feel like dealing with people.

For the record, the comment I made, "A man walks into a bar...ouch." is a reference to the quote he listed in his AOL profile.

Oh and please ignore all my spelling mistakes and typos. Thanks..."Piece of mind..." Geeez.

Here's the second part, save yourself some confusion and read the first half first first in the previous post...

M. [12:03 AM]: do me one favor
Kristana41 [12:03 AM]: what?
M. [12:03 AM]: see me one last time and when the sex is over tell me its the last time and i wont try to stop u
Kristana41 [12:05 AM]: i can't do that...for my own piece of mind i can't do that
M. [12:06 AM]: one last time is all i ask come on now u owe me that just to say goodbye
Kristana41 [12:06 AM]: i owe you? what the hell?
M. [12:07 AM]: dont get mad its a figure of speech
M. [12:07 AM]: it came out wrong but at least say
M. [12:08 AM]: sorry i didnt mean it that way
Kristana41 [12:09 AM]: no...i can't do that
M. [12:10 AM]: will u at least consider it over the weekend
Kristana41 [12:11 AM]: i have been thinking about it all week...its not good i hate the guilt, i hate the crying...fleeting moments of pleasure are not worth it
M. [12:11 AM]: k so should i not call u anymore
Kristana41 [12:13 AM]: i don't know...
Kristana41 [12:13 AM]: its probably best
M. [12:14 AM]: is that what u want
Kristana41 [12:14 AM]: what i really want you can't give me
M. [12:15 AM]: so what about the parts of me that u can have ( not talking the sex parts )
Kristana41 [12:16 AM]: could you settle for that?
Kristana41 [12:16 AM]: the only other thing we did was go to the movies
M. [12:16 AM]: yeah but i would still want the sex to be a part of it
M. [12:16 AM]: the sex was fantastic between us
Kristana41 [12:17 AM]: i never said that it wasn't
M. [12:18 AM]: so then what do u want to do about us ?
Kristana41 [12:19 AM]: i can't sleep with you anymore...as long as you have that ring on your finger
M. [12:19 AM]: ok
M. [12:20 AM]: so i will take it off
Kristana41 [12:21 AM]: ahhhh a man walks into a bar...ouch
M. [12:21 AM]: joke 8-)
Kristana41 [12:22 AM]: stroke my ego here for a second...does your wife not satisfy you in that way?
M. [12:23 AM]: no u do a better job thank u
Kristana41 [12:25 AM]: are you happy?
M. [12:25 AM]: yes and no but more yes

Kristana41 [12:26 AM]: and the no parts...are because of?
M. [12:26 AM]: fighting and argueing
Kristana41 [12:28 AM]: is your wife happy or seem happy?
M. [12:28 AM]: yeah
M. [12:28 AM]: jsut a lot of arguing
M. [12:31 AM]: r u happy
Kristana41 [12:31 AM]: no i haven't been in awhile
M. [12:32 AM]: k i am going to bed now can we talk more later
Kristana41 [12:32 AM]: i guess so
M. [12:32 AM]: k
M. [12:37 AM]: please dont hate me
Kristana41 [12:37 AM]: i don't hate you
M. [12:38 AM]: so y r u upset
M. [12:38 AM]: is it with me or the situation
Kristana41 [12:39 AM]: the situation
Kristana41 [12:39 AM]: and the fact that i was in a way thrust into it
M. [12:39 AM]: how i told u up front about it did i not
Kristana41 [12:40 AM]: hmmm i seem to recall that i found out you were engaged from your roommate
M. [12:41 AM]: but who told him to tell u
anyway goodnight i am going to bed
we can finish this later
M. [12:41 AM]: 8-)
Kristana41 [12:41 AM]: whatever

So I don't get the dreaded [Big Body], I am going to have to post the conversation in two parts so bear with me. Thanks.

Kristana41 [11:16 PM]: just so you know i am going back to school next week
M. [11:16 PM]: good for u
i am proud to hear that
Kristana41 [11:17 PM]: so i am not sure how my schedule will be
M. [11:17 PM]: so what time dou work tomorrow
Kristana41 [11:17 PM]: i close
M. [11:20 PM]: brb
Kristana41 [11:20 PM]: okee
M. [11:28 PM]: hi
M. [11:29 PM]: hello
Kristana41 [11:29 PM]: hi
M. [11:30 PM]: what is your school schedule
Kristana41 [11:30 PM]: mtwth
Kristana41 [11:30 PM]: 5:30-7:30 on mw
M. [11:30 PM]: time
Kristana41 [11:30 PM]: 4-9:30 t th
M. [11:32 PM]: cool
can i see u on monday after classs
Kristana41 [11:33 PM]: i don't know can you meet me somewhere?
M. [11:33 PM]: my house in the middle of the street is the safest

Kristana41 [11:35 PM]: in the middle of the street eh?
M. [11:35 PM]: repeat aol ate part of that message
Kristana41 [11:36 PM]: in the middle of the street eh?
M. [11:36 PM]: u no the song
Kristana41 [11:37 PM]: i am blanking
M. [11:38 PM]: our house in the middle of the street
Kristana41 [11:38 PM]: oh duh
M. [11:39 PM]: is that cool with u
then monday night it is 8 pm my house be there
Kristana41 [11:39 PM]: no its not cool with me....
Kristana41 [11:39 PM]: i can't promise anything
M. [11:39 PM]: maybe ....
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: i don't trust myself if i go to your house...and i would rather not put myself in that situation
M. [11:41 PM]: trust yourself how
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: we both know what will happen if i go over there
M. [11:43 PM]: thats not a bad thing
sex is a good thing i enjoy you very much and i can tell from the response i get from u that u enjoy it just as much so as someone once said ( i am sure someone said this ) enjoy life have sex more often
Kristana41 [11:44 PM]: why did you get married?
M. [11:45 PM]: cus i was in love
M. [11:45 PM]: y do u ask
Kristana41 [11:45 PM]: and now?
M. [11:46 PM]: still in love just lots of arguemeents
M. [11:46 PM]: cant type tire\d
Kristana41 [11:47 PM]: and see...that's what I want...
M. [11:48 PM]: what ?
Kristana41 [11:48 PM]: love
M. [11:48 PM]: what is wrong with lust till u find love u r taking care of one of your many needs
Kristana41 [11:49 PM]: nothing, but i don't think its for me
M. [11:49 PM]: we have been together for over a year
Kristana41 [11:50 PM]: yes i know...
M. [11:50 PM]: and now ....
Kristana41 [11:50 PM]: but not together together am i making any sense here
Kristana41 [11:51 PM]: i am sick of being and i have to *very* blunt here...an easy fuck for you
M. [11:52 PM]: wow i am hurt by that comment
Kristana41 [11:53 PM]: i can't do it anymore....
Kristana41 [11:53 PM]: and i am sorry if that comment hurt you...but that is how i feel right now at this moment
M. [11:53 PM]: k i never thought of it like that though
Kristana41 [11:53 PM]: do you begin to understand?
M. [11:54 PM]: i do have feeling for u
u know that and i know u have feeling for me
M. [11:54 PM]: am i right or wrong
Kristana41 [11:54 PM]: but is it love? no its not
M. [11:55 PM]: ok fine so do u want me to lose your number
M. [11:55 PM]: i never thought of u as an easy fuck
a fun fuck yes but not an easy fuck
Kristana41 [11:56 PM]: well i guess that's good
M. [11:56 PM]: i am serious
Kristana41 [11:57 PM]: so am i
M. [11:57 PM]: i dont want to lose u
Kristana41 [11:57 PM]: am i making any sense here?
M. [11:58 PM]: yes of course but i figured if after this long and u not seeing anyone what is the harm in continuing till u meet someone to fall in love with
M. [11:58 PM]: does that not make sense also
Kristana41 [11:58 PM]: it does...but i can't help but feeling guilty...
M. [11:59 PM]: but it took u a year to feel guilty
y do u feel guilty in the first place
Kristana41 [11:59 PM]: no it was always there, hidden but always there
Kristana41 [12:00 AM]: don't you feel any of that?
M. [12:01 AM]: maybe a little but it doesnt bother me cus she doesnt know wont hurt her so y should i feel bad if i am not hurting her
M. [12:01 AM]: see makes sense
Kristana41 [12:02 AM]: women know they always do...i speak from experience
M. [12:02 AM]: she has no clue
M. [12:02 AM]: i promise
Kristana41 [12:02 AM]: thank god for that
Kristana41 [12:03 AM]: yes i rather value my life

I didn't go to M.'s I talked to him but didn't go over. We had a long AIM conversation tonight, I have it, I posted it here, but it went wonky on me. I will repost later. I need to go to bed.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is on Conan O'Brien. I should be in bed.

Lots of moves tomorrow I think. We got in some new patterns on Tuesday, I get to figure out where to put them.

And the visit you ask? Well, it didn't happen. Our District Manager made it by himself at about 5:30p.m. So basically I got to work early for nothing.

Another conversation with M.

Kristana41 [11:20 PM]: aren't you going to bed?
M. [11:20 PM]: y
M. [11:20 PM]: do u ask me that
Kristana41 [11:20 PM]: that's what L. said...
M. [11:20 PM]: nope can we talk
Kristana41 [11:21 PM]: now yes
M. [11:21 PM]: ok u go first tell me
M. [11:21 PM]: everything
Kristana41 [11:21 PM]: what am i telling you?
M. [11:22 PM]: how u feel what u want from me ?
Kristana41 [11:23 PM]: i don't exactly know...obviously you can't have a "normal" relationship because of prior commitments
M. [11:23 PM]: so can u accept that
Kristana41 [11:25 PM]: i can accept that but i don't like it...i *want* a relationship....maybe not with you...but i don't know how else to put it into words, i guess i just expected to be at a different point in my life at this time in my life.
M. [11:25 PM]: what kind of feelings do u have for me
Kristana41 [11:27 PM]: exactly i don't know, i think alot of it is lust
M. [11:28 PM]: so what in the blue hell is wrong with lust
Kristana41 [11:28 PM]: nothing...but i miss everything else
M. [11:29 PM]: brb
Kristana41 [11:30 PM]: okee
M. [11:33 PM]: sorry i am back
Kristana41 [11:34 PM]: no prob..
M. [11:34 PM]: so do u enjoy our sex
Kristana41 [11:34 PM]: i never said i didn't its just in the back of my mind i feel guilty since you are married
M. [11:35 PM]: we have been doing it for so long it should not bother u
so answer the question do u enjoy the sex
Kristana41 [11:36 PM]: yes...but it does...in the back of my mind it does, i can't help it its just the way i am
M. [11:37 PM]: brb
Kristana41 [11:38 PM]: okee
M. [11:51 PM]: i have to go can i ask one last question
Kristana41 [11:51 PM]: yes
M. [11:51 PM]: will u still continue to see me
Kristana41 [11:51 PM]: tomorrow or in general?
M. [11:51 PM]: in general
Kristana41 [11:52 PM]: i don't know...i am a bit tired of coming home alone
M. [11:53 PM]: how long has it been since u have had sex
Kristana41 [11:53 PM]: the last time we were together...
M. [11:55 PM]: dou missme
Kristana41 [11:55 PM]: in some ways yes...what do you think of all this?
M. [11:56 PM]: i would rather tell u in person
M. [11:56 PM]: i enjoy the sex but dont want to hurt u
thats y i have been up front with u in all of this
Kristana41 [11:56 PM]: you can't tell me now? you and i both know that if i come over tomorrow there will be no normal conversation
M. [11:57 PM]: yes there will
does that mean i can make love to u tomorrow
Kristana41 [11:57 PM]: no...i haven't decided
M. [11:58 PM]: r u not horny or in the mood
Kristana41 [11:58 PM]: tell me this if your wife ever found out what would she do to you?
M. [11:58 PM]: she would leave me
M. [11:58 PM]: and kill me
M. [11:58 PM]: y
M. [11:58 PM]: do u ask
Kristana41 [11:59 PM]: i don't want that to happen to you...
M. [11:59 PM]: it wont as long as she works the hours she works

M. [11:59 PM]: as long as we are carefull no chance of her finding out
M. [12:00 AM]: so how many orgasms do u want tomorrow
Kristana41 [12:00 AM]: but there are times i don't want to be carefull or just i don't know...i am sick of sneaking around
M. [12:01 AM]: can we talk more tomorrow i promise a little talking
M. [12:01 AM]: what do u mean u dont want to be carefull
M. [12:01 AM]: ok lets not be careful lets meet at your house and do it there
Kristana41 [12:01 AM]: yeah right with my parents here
M. [12:02 AM]: so its the same thing with u
M. [12:02 AM]: as with me
Kristana41 [12:02 AM]: its just that it all takes some planning, we can't go out and do normal stuff, be spontaneous, i can't call you, etc etc
M. [12:04 AM]: i know
i gotta go but we will talk tomorrow
can u come over around 830
Kristana41 [12:04 AM]: i'll try i can't promise anything
M. [12:04 AM]: please i do have a present for u
M. [12:04 AM]: i will call u at 545 or so
Kristana41 [12:04 AM]: okay
M. [12:05 AM]: gnight sweet dreams
we WILL talk tomorrow night
I PROMISE
Kristana41 [12:05 AM]: okay
M. [12:05 AM]: OK
Kristana41 [12:05 AM]: okay
M. [12:06 AM]: I WILL MAKE U SMILE
M. [12:06 AM]: I PROMISE
Kristana41 [12:06 AM]: i don't always want the sex..
M. [12:06 AM]: NOT THAT SMILE BUT AFTER OUR TALK U WILL BE SMILING
M. [12:06 AM]: GNIGHT I GOTTA GO
Kristana41 [12:06 AM]: okay

*sigh*

I am supposed to see M. tomorrow. He is back from his vacation. He said he got me something. And he wants to talk about us. That he had done alot of thinking. I don't know.

I got my nails done today, Maybelline's "Tahiti Pink."

I saw one of my favorite movies yesterday on the big screen, Laura from 1944, I wrote about it here.

Yahoo! Astrology

Majestic I saw this game on the news tonight. Very Interesting...

My sunburn hurts, the backs of my knees are very tender.

Another corporate visit. I got to leave before it happened. I'll find out tomorrow how it went.

This one's for hakeswill, a special request.

Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely - Backstreet Boys

All: Show me the meaning of being lonely
Brian: So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me and maybe
AJ: Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...
All (Chorus): Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Kevin: Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Kevin & Nick: Guilty roads to an endless love (Brian & Howie: Endless love)
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Nick: Your every wish will be done
They tell me
All (Chorus): Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with (AJ: Tell me why)
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Howie: There's no where to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body, and soul
All: How can it be you're asking me to feel
The things you never show
Brian: You are missing in my heart
Tell me why can't I be there where you are
All (Chorus): Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with (Brian: Tell me why)
Tell me why I can't be there where you are (Where you are)
There's something missing in my heart (Brian: 'Cause you are missin' in my heart)
Show me the meaning of being lonely (Nick: Being lonely)
Is this the feeling I need to walk with (Tell me why)
Tell me why (Can't be there) I can't be there where you are (Where you are)
There's something missing in my heart

My horoscope for tomorrow...

Sometimes you are a bit of a loner, and it can be hard for people close to you to understand what you are truly feeling. You are very private with your emotions, and so it isn't an easy thing for you to blurt out these tightly held impulses. Today the planetary configuration encourages personal interactions, and as a result, the issue of your silence could be brought up by your romantic partner. They might need you to communicate better so that they don't feel rejected or neglected. Trust the planets to guide you in revealing this hidden part of yourself to everyone's benefit.

Goddesses Needed:

Buddhist officials in Nepal are having a difficult time
recruiting 5-year-old girls to be official goddesses, to
live in palaces and be waited on hand-and-foot, according
to a March Associated Press dispatch from Katmandu. The
problem is that the goddesses' jobs end automatically at
puberty, and the girls increasingly are unprepared for the
rest of their lives, untrainable because of how sheltered
and pampered their early years were. (Mere tutors are not
permitted to tell a goddess to study, and legend has it
that men who marry ex-goddesses die young.)

Eeeek! Sunburn! LOL. My own darn fault. Just the tops of my feet and the backs of my knees, and a weird spot on my neck. (I could've sworn I had put lotion there. LOL.)

We were supposed to see the Thunderbirds at the show. No go. That was one of the disappointments. Also the Stealth. No go. We did get to see the plane that takes the Space Shuttle to the hanger though. Very big.

I need aloe vera. LOL.

Dad and I went to the Moffet Field Air Expo today. As airshows go, it wasn't the best I had been too. Dad and I have been going to airshows since I was a little girl. Infact, we left early. The saving graces were the Smirnoff MIGS and the F-18's. There were hardly any planes on display. I love the WWII era planes, the nose-art and the history. Inside Hanger One (This is the HUGE hanger that was used to house the HUGE airships.) there were hardly any displays and the museum was closed. I was really looking forward to going through the museum again. Oh well, nothing much I can do about it.

But there is something about airshows, and the wonderful rush through you as an F-18 goes zooming through the sky at Mach 1. It's amazing, and hard to describe, it pulses through you. I always get goosebumps.



I've got more pictures, and some I haven't yet uploaded, give me a few days and I might even add captions! ;o) But you can view them by clicking here.

I had better go to bed, I have that seminar in the morning for school.

And scratching his cat behind the ears...and kissing...and...

So that means I am thinking of B.

That song in that Mercedes commercial is in my head...

I got dragged into helping a customer today in the bath department. He was looking for a toilet seat, opening them up. "I need the smaller rounder one. I could open them all up, and then you would wonder what jackass did this when you had to clean it up later tonight."

"Or you could look right on the box and see where it says standard or elongated." (And now picture a small foreign women, middle aged, duck between us, wearing a phone headset, talking in a Russian accent, as I point out the standard tag, she grabs that exact toilet seat, mumbles something in Russian, then ducks between us again.)

"I need a white one, are those standard white ones up there?"

"Nope they are elongated."

"Well I could get bone..." (The woman ducks in again and grabs the bone toilet seat. How rude!) "Are you sure those are elongated? I'd kiss you if you went up there and checked."

"We can check the computer..." We walk over to the computer terminal and I tell him that we can order a white one if he'd rather have that one.

"What if I have to go to the bathroom tonight?" (Okay TOO MUCH INFORMATION.)

"This really isn't my department, but I will see what I can do."

"Oh? What is your department? The love-making department?"

Um...OKAY...

When I got my new backpack yesterday, I got a new sweatshirt. I got it from the guy's department. I don't know what it is, but they seem warmer or something than the ones sold in the women's department. Odd. I got an XL, and its nice to see that it is absolutely HUGE on me. There was a time when that wasn't so. Infact A. looked at me yesterday and said, "Those jeans you are wearing, look a bit big on you." "Really? These are my smallest jeans." Yay!! Of course, at the place where I do alot of my shopping, Lane Bryant doesn't have jeans any smaller. This is a good thing. I haven't been actively dieting but I do alot of running around at work, and I try to eat right. (Notice I said try. LOL) But I have never been HUGE, but then I have never been really lithe and skinny either. Okay when I was five years old. LOL. Maybe its part of an attitude shift as well. Something in my mind where I've come to accept the way I look, and actually like it.

I don't want to go into work today, but I have alot of stuff to do. Joy. We are having a visit on Monday. A bigger big-wig. Someone took my rack that I steam things on. It has completely disappeared. Hmmmmm.

I bought my school supplies last week, and a new backpack yesterday. Jansport's Trinty in Sky Blue. Oooooooh. I love getting new school stuff, I always did. Even when I worked at the office supply store, it was hectic and a bit stressful and sooooo fun.

I must say, this story I found over at EAST/WEST amused me greatly.

I don't think I could tell him. Here I am dwelling on stuff, that I really don't need to dwell on. More scotch...

Blah. I can feel the mood settling into me. That, I just don't want to deal with anybody type of mood, where I want to just cry, and all that. I can't really put it into words. God help me I even miss talking to M. He's on vacation, somewhere in Canada...hell, I miss telling him, I am not coming over. It's an ego thing, I think. I don't really know. I think I am babbling.I was drinking an iced latte earlier mixed with scotch. Perhaps thats part of it. He wants to set me up with his friend L. I called L., we talked a bit, he works late, off at 11:30pm, wanted to meet at some bar. I really am not into that whole bar scene, so I politely declined. Actually, I was supposed to visit him at work yesterday, he works around the corner from me practically, but I wasn't in to it, if that makes any sense. I didn't even call. I feel guilty in a way about that. I want another relationship, but the whole thing that he is M.'s friend, I don't know...it kinda weirds me out in a way. He's known M. a long time. I've known M. about a year. Wow, it's been that long, a whole year? Wow. Our first date...we went to see Way of the Gun. Can't say that I really recall much of the movie. Okay what was I talking about? Oh yes...But then I wonder...would L. wonder about M. and I? What happened? Could I tell him? I don't know.

L. sent me this, I'm a Chesnut Tree.

Find your birthday and then find your tree and see what it says. This
is fairly accurate, and in line with Celtic Astrology.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree

APPLE TREE (the Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and
attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always
in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very
generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher
with imagination.

ASH TREE (the Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive,
demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent,
talented,likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and
trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the
heart, but takes partnership very Seriously.

BEECH TREE (the Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks,
materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good
leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)

BIRCH TREE (the inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant,
friendly,unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the
vulgar,loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

CEDAR TREE (the Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes
luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on
others, self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true
love,able to make quick decisions.

CHESTNUT TREE (the Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to
impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born
diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a
lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood,
loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

CYPRESS TREE (the Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes
what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and
acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be
satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.

ELM TREE (the Noble-mindedness) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead
but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for
others, noble-minded, generous good sense of humor, practical.

FIG TREE (the Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,
independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its
family,children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor,
likes idleness and laziness, of practical Talent and intelligence.

FIR TREE (the Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity,
sophisticated,loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but
cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented,
industrious, uncontented lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

HAZELNUT TREE (the Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding very
understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for
social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant
partner,precise sense of judgment.

HORNBEAM TREE (the Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks
and condition, good taste, is not egotistic, makes life as comfortable
as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness
and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is
seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of
its decisions, very conscientious.

LIME TREE (the Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed way,
hates fighting, stress and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft
and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not
tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very
jealous but loyal.

MAPLE TREE (Independence of Mind) - no ordinary person, full of
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud,
self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many
complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants
to impress.

OAK TREE (the Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the
ground,person of action.

OLIVE TREE (the Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant,
cheerful,calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free
of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people

PINE TREE (the Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust,
knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion,
but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out
quickly, gives up easily, experiences disappointments until it finds its
ideal, trustworthy, practical partner.

POPLAR TREE (the Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very
self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic
nature,good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any
situation, takes partnership seriously.

ROWAN TREE (the Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without
egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

WALNUT TREE (the Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts,
often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected
reactions,spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and
uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very
jealous and passionate, no compromise.

WEEPING WILLOW (the Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy,
attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful,
loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced
but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but
finds sometimes an anchoring partner

Everyone keeps complimenting me on my beds. "Did anyone tell you that A. said...?"

Be amazed you are not going to see this very often. LOL. Yes, that's me. This was taken last week at my club meeting.

So much for me going to bed before 10.

I am determined to go to bed early tonight. We'll see.

My boss called today about noon, asking if I could come in, since they were shorthanded. Yeah, right. Mom gave me the message, and that's all that happened. She asked what if they ask you about it? I told her, "I'll just tell them I was out all day and I got home late." I need at least one day to forget about work. And relax.

Another hectic week this week, an even bigger corporate big-wig is scheduled to stop by next Monday. Monday is the worst day he could come in, since we are usually recovering from the weekend. All I can wish is that this week goes by quickly.

M. [11:36 PM]: hi do u work tomorrow
Kristana41 [11:36 PM]: of course
M. [11:36 PM]: what time
Kristana41 [11:36 PM]: 9-5:30
M. [11:37 PM]: can we meet somewhere after work for just some good sex
cant be my house wife is home packing
M. [11:37 PM]: :-)
Kristana41 [11:37 PM]: lol
Kristana41 [11:37 PM]: how quaint....i have plans after work
M. [11:37 PM]: with who
M. [11:37 PM]: i am jealous
M. [11:38 PM]: some of my doll collecting friends
M. [11:38 PM]: can u make time for me i leave on tuesday morning
M. [11:39 PM]: hello ??
M. [11:39 PM]: no...sorry...you'll have to wait
M. [11:40 PM]: come now i have waited over a week and a half
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: you have three options
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: 1. you wait
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: 2. you use your hand
Kristana41 [11:41 PM]: 3. you sleep with your wife
M. [11:42 PM]: thanks ru mad at me ??
Kristana41 [11:43 PM]: no...i just really want more than the sex and you can't give that to me and its driving me crazy
M. [11:44 PM]: oh i am sorry i dont mean to be a dick about it
Kristana41 [11:47 PM]: *sigh*
M. [11:59 PM]: i sorry brb
Kristana41 [12:00 AM]: okee
M. [12:08 AM]: hey u r not mad r u
u know i have feelings for u
Kristana41 [12:09 AM]: yes...but its not enough...
M. [12:09 AM]: r u there
Kristana41 [12:09 AM]: i'm here
M. [12:09 AM]: y not
r u in a relationship now
Kristana41 [12:09 AM]: no
M. [12:10 AM]: so ../
we are helping each other out in the great sex area of our lives
Kristana41 [12:11 AM]: but i want a relationship...the sex is all fine and good, but i still go home by myself
M. [12:12 AM]: i sorry i dont mean to do that to u
i have an idea
take me home with u
M. [12:12 AM]: :-)
M. [12:12 AM]: let me make love to u in your bed
Kristana41 [12:12 AM]: oh yeah with my parents here....either way i am alone at the end
M. [12:13 AM]: gotta go can we talk more later i will help u solve it
M. [12:13 AM]: bye lots of kisses
i have an idea meet me tomorrow and we can solve your problem :-)
Kristana41 [12:13 AM]: whatever...and this bugs me too...you can never talk...*sigh* or you don't want to
M. [12:14 AM]: no we will tallk the wife just got out of the bathroom and is behind me gotta go can we talk tomorrow
will u be on for a while when she goes to sleep we can talk more
M. [12:14 AM]: bye
Kristana41 [12:14 AM]: bye
M. [12:14 AM]: do not be mad
M. [12:15 AM]: would u like me to help u find a guy
Kristana41 [12:15 AM]: i'm not i am sad...i don't know

No, not mad, sad and alone...

I keep seeing that Mercedes commercial with the guy that reminds me of B. When they show him in profile, it really looks like him, his hair is longer, and he has more of a beard rather than a goatee, but I see him every time...I can picture him driving, shifting lanes, holding my hand.

There it is again.

I wanna thank you, whoever you are.

Whee!! I've added a Search function!!

Murder in Small Town X Dossier Ya gotta love Blogger's "Blogs of Note." I really like this show. It scares me in that Blair Witch sorta fashion.

Why the heck am I still up...I should go to bed...I'm hungry...hmmm wonder what there is to eat.

I just sneezed, and now my moniter is all speckled. LOL.

thinking -- I love the idea for the new tattoo.
Yay Cow! I wish I were brave enough to get a tattoo. My Mom actually got one awhile back. I went with her. It's a lizard, curling on her shoulder. Now she wants another one, curling in the other direction to produce a yin-yang design. And then she would like a full back design in a tribal motif. Hmmm I still want to get my belly button pierced.

Outstanding!

The corporate visit went well, at least for my department. Some of the other departments did not do as well. Apparently the corporate big-wig really liked my display beds. The company standards recently changed to more simple displays -- less pillows. But that looks so plain to me. I like the euro square shams to match one of the dust ruffles, a set of standard shams to match either the quilt or the coordinating duvet, then the featured pattern's shams, as well as the regular pillows and accent pillows. Yes, that's alot of pillows, but it gives you an idea of what can go with what, and it seems to inspire customers to buy more. But the zone VP, liked my beds sooo much that I don't have to follow that company standard! How cool is that? M. came to me today and told me I did a GREAT job. He said with all the walks he has done as manager at the other stores he had been at, he had never heard A. said that the displays looked outstanding. Nice and good, but not outstanding. I was sooooooo happy! I worked very hard on those beds.

We got a new bed frame today for one of the beds, they sent us a queen sized, but our matress was a full. So I asked M. what we should do. And he said, "Hey after that walk, you could put it together with duct tape and I would be okay with it!" So we tweaked it and got it to work. We wound up only using the head board. It looks okay, alot better than the one we had before which was slowly being knocked apart.

*smiles* This one's for hakeswill just cuz I know its gonna annoy him. LOL. But if truth be told (shhhhhhhh!) I do like this song. "Well Dick, it has a nice beat and you can dance to it."

Pop -- 'N Sync

Sick and tired of hearing
All these people talk about
What's the deal with this pop life
And when is it gonna fade out
The thing you got to realise
What we're doing is not a trend
We've got the gift of melody
We're gonna bring it till the end
Now, why you wanna try to
Classify the type of thing we do
'Cause we're just fine
Doing what we like,
Can we say the same for you
Tired of feelin' all around me
Animosity
Just worry about yours 'cause
I'm-a get mine, now
People can't you see?

It doesn't matter about the car
I drive or the ice around my neck
All that matters,
Is that you recognise
That it's just about respect
It doesn't matter
About the clothes I wear
Or where I go and why
All that matters,
Is that if you get crunk
We're gonna give it
To you everytime c'mon

Do you ever wonder
Why this music gets you high?
And takes you on a ride,
Feel it when your
Body starts to rock
And baby you can't stop,
The music's all you got
(Baby come on)
This must be

Ooh

Man, I'm tired of singing
Dirty, dirty, dirty pop
Dirty pop
Do you ever wonder
Wonder wonder won

Do you ever wonder
Why this music gets you high?
And takes you on a ride,
Feel it when your
Body starts to rock
And baby you can't stop,
The music's all you got
(Baby come on)
This must be

Do you ever wonder
Why this music gets you high?
And takes you on a ride,
Feel it when your
Body starts to rock
And baby you can't stop,
The music's all you got
(Baby come on)
This must be

Pop

Ginger is in my lap, little does she know I will be getting up soon.

Girl, if you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.

Had a manicure today. Current color is Orly's "Tourmaline." It's almost a black purple. Then I added two coats of Maybelline's "Twinkling Pink." And then I added in the style of a french manicure (but in a chevron design) Revlon's "Steel Kisses." Very fun. Now I just have to wait until they dry completely.