Ahhh thankfully the visit got moved back a day -- to my day off. But I will be quite busy tomorrow. YAY!!

I watched that new show Fear Factor tonight, one of the challenges was to eat two buffalo testicles. It was quite disgusting. (And yes I said buffalo testicles.)

When I drove home yesterday I took the long way home, avoiding the freeway which I really hate to drive. So I took the El Camino most of the way. When I was in Millbrae, it was only two lanes in each direction, very shady, wonderful 30's style houses lining the road. As you get into San Mateo, the road widens and there are more businesses, then into Redwood City, and Palo Alto, right next to Stanford, then on into Mountain View, and then Cupertino. That's when I got off, and was in familiar territory so to speak. Oh, I know a bit of Redwood City and such, I used to go antiquing there, but that was when I had Saturdays off, and a real weekend.

Once again, say it with me, I hate retail.

We have a visit this week, from the zone vice president or some such corporate big wig with a New Jersey accent. So of course, all the managers are running around like chickens with their head cut off. Tuesday is when he is supposed to visit. I really need to redo some beds, but M., the manager doesn't want me to do displays on Mondays (He gave me that lecture last week.). But then people seem to like to sell my displays no matter how many times I tell them not to. Geeesh.

I think I am love with my new eye shadow/eye liner pencil. It's from Maybelline -- Cool Effect, Cooling Shadow/Liner in "Cold Cash." It makes my eyes look greener.

12:21pm, Millbrae Library.

I'm waiting for members of my doll club to show up for our meeting. I left early, to help set up since I am on the excutive comittee. Well, the place doesn't open until one, our meeting starts at one and Iam sooooo hungry. Serves me right for not stopping for food. Oh well. I am sucking on a breath mint. LOL.

It's a nice day here, not warm, sunny, and a breeze. I'm glad I wore pants. A tank-top, but pants. We're near San Francisco, I can see the fog, a huge blanket of it to the west of me.

People are milling about to go into the library. This seems like a nice little town, quiet, small, but near enough to SF. Infact, the next exit on 101 was for the airport. I see planes here as well, flying off into the distance over the fog.

I can't believe some people. I had to do a bridal registry today. This couple wanted to have two separate registries, one for their wedding, and one for their bridal shower. She had mentioned this in passing before I went to get a print-out of the registry she already started online. I asked my manager, how this could be done. We were both kinda thrown by it, as no-one had ever asked to do that before. Most people use the registry for both events. Well, we then called the 1-800 customer service number and he had no real answer either. So what we did was create a new registry under a new name....but what I really can't believe is the comment she made to her fiance when I explained to her that most people use the same registry for both -- he was all for that. She said, "I don't want our wedding guests buying the cheap gifts for our wedding, those can be for the shower." Geeez. If I was a guest at this woman's wedding, and I had known she had said that...she would get nothing from me, and she'd be lucky if I'd show up at all.

I really need to learn to go to bed earlier.

So I have been tinkering with the layout, and then I went back to the one I have had for awhile. LOL. Oh well, gives me something to do.

And yep I've gotten that e-mail virus swarming around too. Like I am going to open any attatchment from someone I don't know without scanning it. Geeez.

Home again today...I slept and slept. Got up, took a shower, read a bit, called into work, watched one of those talk shows, Maury Povitch it was, and he had on kids with disabilities who tug at your heart strings and make you cry and smile all at the same time. One little girl was born without a neck, yet she was so happy and beautiful. Her mother said, "How can I be sad, when I have an angel?" Their problems make you think yours are so little.

Hugs to Babyblade for the get well thoughts. *bark* ;o)

I was eating dinner last night, we had the screen door open, and I heard a faint knock. So I got up. mad because my dinner was being interrupted. Some guy with a clip board, raising it up like he wanted me to sign it.

"You know what, I am not even interested, so you might as well not waste your time or mine. Not to mention I am in the middle of eating dinner." (I hadn't even walked to the door proper, just into the living room, and when I saw the clipboard...)

"Well that is very rude!"

"Would you rather me slam the door in your face?"

"Um...well..." He was mumbling as we walked down the walk.

Two things irratate me to no end, people coming to my door soliciting stuff, and the phone calls of the same sort.

"Can I talk to A.M. please?" (Usually with a horrible mispronunciation of my last name.)

"No."

"Is this his wife?"

"No, this is his mistress."

(Stunned silence) Click.

"May I speak to Mr. M. please?"

"May I ask who is speaking?"

"Is this Mrs. M?"

"Perhaps, and what is this regarding?"

"Is Mr. M. there?"

"And who is this?"

"This is so and so from such and such..."

"And this is regarding what?"

"I am only authorized to talk to Mr. M or his wife."

"Well then I am sorry, if you won't talk to me, you won't get to talk to him. Good day." Click.

(This of course is said with my supreme bitchy voice that I save for all my "special" customers. LOL.)

The guy in the new C-Coupe Mercedes commercial reminds me of B.

Dear X,

Do you ever think about what could have been?

Sometimes the thought hits me when I am feeling nostalgic, when I least expect it. I wonder what you look like, what you are up to, if you are married. How tall you are, your smile, the way you walk, your hopes, your dreams, your fears.

I don't remember much, just hazy memories of walking up the stairs beneath a canopy of trees with Mom. Sitting in the apartment with the yellow light streaming in. All that reminds me now are the pictures that were taken that day. You and Me sitting on the floor engrossed in some activity, as our Moms look on and discuss who knows what.

I don't know when you moved exactly, or where. Just that it was far away and we never spoke after that. Oh I am sure there were promises of "We'll keep in touch." There always are. Promises that are never kept.

*sigh* That nostaligic feeling, the "I should have..." "I wonder what it would have been like if..." It's hard not to wonder what would have -- could have been.

I can't believe it, but my ten year High School Reunion is coming up. I don't know if I want to go, but I know, sitting her right now, that if I don't, I will always wonder what could have been. I think part of it is this romantic ideal I hold myself to. I have always been this way, always thinking that deep down, a knight in shining armor galloping on a noble white steed will sweep me off me feet.

In an English class, we had to keep a daily journal on a question the teacher would give us. If the question didn't inspire, we could free write on whatever subject we wanted. I did alot of free writing. The teacher would read them once a quarter, and would comment on entries. One quarter, I got my journal back and she had written across one of the pages, "Kristan you are a true romantic."

And sometimes I dwell in the past too much for my own good. And in thinking about the past, I tend to forgo the present. In wondering what could have been, I missed doing...

Tomorrow is a new day. Time to create a memory that I can look back on years from now...

I still wonder about you. It's in my nature. Do the memories fill your head at weird moments? "Hmmm I wonder what that girl in the pigtails and turtleneck is up to?" The yellow light streams in and I fill out that reunion form, and the envelope sits there now, waiting and waiting, wondering...

I'm home, sick, but I am on antibiotics now.

Here's the orchid that M. gave me.

Yep...mono...*sigh* "Get lots of rest and take vitamin C to boost your immune system." Yep yep, did that -- doing that.

Mom and I went shopping today. I got one of those "sweater-coats" in black, it ties like a robe and has a hood. If only it were cool enough to wear it. I also got a light blue, vaguely western looking corduroy top and a brown leather belt. Oh yes, and the coolest shoes, they are camoflage strappy sandals with a cork wedge heel. And a heart rhinestone clip! Oh and the coolest necklace, that I can't even describe. It's almost like a horn but not, I should just take a picture. It's really wild.

I am pretty sure I have mono again. *JOY* I am off to the doctor's tomorrow for other unrelated things, but will talk to her about that as well. A. at worked asked me if I felt okay when I walked into the back half of Customer Service, I told her I was really tired, and she said I looked it...then I told her I was having the same symptoms that I had back in January when I had mono. The sore throat, the tender joints, fatigue. At least for now I can swallow and eat solid food.

I wonder if stress plays any part of it?

I also feel like crying for no reason. *sigh*

The orchid M. gave me is a Phalaenopsis and looks just like the one in this picture.

Find out your C.Y.B.O.R.G. name!

K.R.I.S.T.A.N. = Kinetic Robotic Individual Skilled in Troubleshooting and Accurate Nullification

Blah its Monday. I think I am coming down with something. My throat hurts, reminds me of when I had mono earlier in the year. But I do go to the doctor on Wednesday. Hopefully its nothing.

I went to see M. last night. He gave me an orchid. It's very delicate looking. I have no idea how to take care of it. I'll have to look into that.

"Nobody Wants To Be Lonely" -- Ricky Martin

There you are
In a darkened room
And you're all alone
Looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow

Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, Come to me
Can't you see that

Chorus:

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
so bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
and I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely so why
Why don't you let me love you

Can you hear my voice
Do you hear my song
It's a serenade
So your heart can find me
And suddenly your flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby

Before I start going crazy
Run to me, Run to me
Cause I'm dying

Chorus

I want to feel you deeply
Just like the air you're breathing
I need you here in my life
Don't walk away, don't walk away
don't walk away, don't walk away
No, no, no, no

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
Nobody wants to be lonely
I don't want to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
I don't want to cry
My body's longing to hold you
I'm longing to hold you
so bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
and I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely so why
Why don't you let me love you
Why don't you let me love you
Why, oh why, why, why, why, why

Nobody wants to be lonely
I don't want to cry
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
so bad it hurts inside
Nobody wants to be lonely
I don't want to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry

I told D. that she was in my dream this morning. She sat down in the break room across from me, and in a hushed voice asked me if I liked M., the new manager. I told her I was leaning toward the negative on that one. She has been working nights and so I haven't seen her in weeks it has seemed. She commented on that.

It was one of those days today at work. A frenzy of back-to-school shopping for the college dorms and just plain bitchiness all around. A woman yelled at me on the phone and actually said "I should have your job." Yeah sure take it, I hate it. Seriously, Mrs. Hutchins (And yes and that is her real name. LOL), perhaps you neglected to take your estrogen this morning? I picked up the phone, she asked about something in the ad, of which I did not have a copy of, since someone had taken it. She starts yammering on about some yellow sheets in the ad, and I ask if I can put her on hold so that I can find a copy of the ad. She says yes, but continues on, so I put her on hold and search for an ad. I find one, pick up the phone again, and I ask her what page she is on. And she says something along the lines of, "Perhaps if you had finished letting me talk....blah blah blah." And this is when she called me rude, and made the quip about having my job. And so in my snottiest tone of voice (two can play at this game), I ask again, "And so which page we were on?" And without taking a breat she launches into another tirade about one of the ensembles. Going on and on about one of the patterns (yellow with blue flowers). "Crazy Daisy?" I ask. (I mean the name is right there. "The one with the blue flowers." "Crazy Daisy, you mean?" "The one with the blue flowers." "Crazy Daisy?!?!" Geeez!!!!!!!!!!!! "The sheets have little orange dots on them." "No those are buds." "Dots you mean." "No they are flower buds." "I just need the flat sheet. How much is that?" "It doesn't come separately you have to buy it as a set. See where it says set? The price is listed there." "Well then I need a yellow flat sheet." "What size?" And so I find her sheet, get back on the phone and describe it to her. "I have here a Soft & Easy, sunlight yellow flat sheet, size twin, 250 thread count, 50% polyester, 50% cotton. It's $5.99." "I don't need your most exspensive sheet." "Um, this is actually our cheapest sheet." (Silence and then one of those annoyed sighs from her.) "Shall I put it on hold for you?" "Well, I will probably be down tomorrow." "Do you want me to put this on hold for you?" She starts babbling about something..."Ma'am, I can't guarantee this sheet will be here, unless I put it on hold for you." "OH ALRIGHT, FINE." And finally, after that ordeal I am off the phone. That call, which happened about 25 minutes after I got there set the tone for the whole day....I hate retail.

I drempt that I quit my job because of the new manager. Leaving much like I left my last job. The district HR person was there, and as I was leaving I tried to tell her that I would call her to give her my reasons for leaving. Then, I was in the office and I was talking to D. and she was asking me why I couldn't stick things out a little longer. I told her, I couldn't stand being there anymore, and as I was going to explain myself further, M. walked by and gave me a dirty look, asking what I was still doing there. Then I was driving down a street with L. and someone else and we stopped at a store and I was re-arranging a St. Patrick's Day display. There were little "wands" with mylar at the end of them.

I swear I am going to go to bed now. My foot has already fallen asleep -- it's all tingly.

"When It's Over" -- Sugar Ray

When it's over
That's the time I fall in love again
And when it's over
That's the time you're in my heart again
And it never ends

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window

I'm missing you
I never knew how much she'd loved me
I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you and when you go go go go
I know, it never ends, never ends

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window

When it's over
Can I still come over
In the middle of the night
When it's over
Is it really over
Or are you coming back this time, this time, this time

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window

*sigh*

B.'s AIM is on again...

I always think I am going to go to bed early, yet here I am. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow, err...today.

J. called earlier to "rub noses." I still don't know what to think, swirls of chaos right now.

Otherwise, the Stevie Nicks song that Destiny's Child sampled for "Bootilicious" is on the radio right now. Baby, can you handle it?

Oh the excitement! Comments are back thanks to Reblogger! Yay!!

And so Ginger is or was sitting between me and the laptop. Resting her chin, getting cat hair everywhere. *JOY* LOL. Time to get out the canned air.

It's kinda amzing that air can be canned in that way.

M. has one more day left. He's going back to the company he worked at before. I will miss him. He's one of the cool people that I look forward to seeing when I go to work. It's kinda scary, when one of your managers thinks your new general manager is an "arrogant bastard." Speaking of...*grr* Tuesday, I had to redo a display I had just done. I asked him when I was doing it the first time (okay let's get technical, the second time), where he wanted it, and he told me, "Oh right here." And then I get in on Tuesday, (I was closing.) M. (the other M.) tells me that M. (the general manager -- are we confused yet? LOL.) that he wants the display moved. It took me all friggin day to move that drapery display.

Anyhows...

R. sent M. a singing telegram, it was pretty funny. "Nurse Feelgood" came to give him a "physical" for his new job. All of us were in front of the store watching it, B. videotaped it. I think some of our customers thought we were pretty weird. Sunday is his last day...

On another note, the other M., the one I had been venting about earlier seems to have mellowed a bit, I don't know why, but it seems to be a bit more likeable now...hmmmm...QTB (Questions That Boggle)...

And so B. finally logged off AIM, I miss seeing it there now. Just like I miss seeing him. *sigh*

I am going to be a responsible adult and go into work tomorrow.

Hmmm, decisions, decisions. I was actually not scheduled to work tomorrow, but I said I was going to come in. Do I actually have to come in? Hmmmmm....

I got absolutely no real sleep last night. I don't really know why. I was tired, but it was one of those toss and turn kinda nights.

I went to the mall yesterday, bought a T-shirt with a 40's pin-up cowgirl on it. I also met a new guy while I was there, J.

I am a wicked girl. *smile*

I guess I better get ready for work now.

I changed the whole look of The Kristana Spa Log. Take a look see and let me know what you think. This is a new template that was provided by Blogger's Template Design Contest. Pretty cool I think, thanks to Andrew Hoshq for the great new look.

Amazing! AIDS Walk in S.F. sets record for raising funds (7/16/2001) EVENT DRAWS 25,000, NETS $3.8 MILLION FOR SERVICES How cool is that?

It was the shoes...Wife's backless shoes caused death, Fitzhugh told police in interview (7/17/2001)

It was overcast today, and a bit chilly at times. I love days like that.

I stayed up late and finished reading a Nora Roberts novel. Oh it was one of those fluff romances, but I did enjoy it, about Ireland and ghosts, and faerie kings, and love conquering all. It made me cry.

diarist.net | spark What a great idea!! I am going to try to incorporate these more often.

Limited Luxuries — 16 July 2001

If you had to choose between the services of a cook, maid, chauffer, or masseuse — absolutely free, but only for a year — which one would it be? Why?

If a chef, what would you have him or her cook? How would a chauffer change your daily routine (if at all)? Have fun... ponder each choice before making your final selection.

And/Or: Conversely, if you had to work as one of the above for a total stranger, which job would you pick?

Hmmm...easy. No thought there. I would pick the services of a maid, hands down. I hate cleaning, and just looking at my bedroom right now proves it. Clutter everywhere. I am a pack-rat and a collector. So I have doll boxes and doll accessories, and clothes and well, I hate to throw anything away for fear I will need it in the future for whatever reason. Eeek and the bathroom, I hate cleaning that, and laundry. Hopefully by the time the year was up, I would have perhaps gotten used to the idea of having it clean and wanting to keep it that way, so I would continue on myself. Not to mention the smells of wax and polish and freshness, and the crispness of sheets agains your skin...mmmm I like the processes of doing these things, and of course the end results, I just tend to procrastinate in doing them.

And if I were to pick one of those professions for myself, again hands down, a maid. Heck you get a cute little uniform! *smile* (Oh come on now I know you were thinking it! LOL) Okay, well, now that I think about it, chef doesn't seem such a bad idea either, not to mention, I would be able to maintain my manicures. Oh decisions, decisions...

Okay, here is the one picture I managed to take before my camera died.

Oh yeah, I did take some pictures, before my camera needed new batteries that I didn't have.

Highlight of the AIDS Walk. Me tripping over absolutely nothing, and falling on my ass. Laughing and the the first thing I am worrying about as my friends are rushing to my aid, is if my nails were broken. And no they weren't. YAY!

Tired feet and a pink nose. It was overcast, like most San Francisco days, but the walk was fun. For some reason it seemed longer this year, perhaps becaue there weren't as many checkpoints. I am not sure how much money everyone raised, but I am sure it was quite a sum, there were thousands of people there. Da Mayor was in attendence, as well as Stomp and some other notable people.

We walked alot of the way behind a group of Goths who had black ballons with bats on them, mixed with purple ones, and black t-shirts with AIDS Walk 2001 in the middle of a bat on the back of them and the conservatory on the front of them One of the girls had a bubble gun and was happily blowing them everywhere, sometimes sharing it with whatever kid happened to be wandering by. She was always laughing, and skipping ahead. It was wonderful to be around that spirit. Lots and lots of cute dogs as well, happy to be out and about.

I should be in bed, the AIDS Walk is tommorow, and I have to leave the house by 7am! Eeeek!! LOL. It should be alot of fun.

I still have vestiges of a headache. *JOY* But I must go into work today. Thankfully, M. won't be there as he usually works on Sundays. I will take a couple of Advil, and try not to think about it. Usually Saturdays are busy enough that I can forget about it.

I slept fitfully last night, probably due to the fact that I slept too much yesterday.

No one is home right now, which is a bit odd, no note to tell me where anybody is.

I need to go and iron a shirt now, and finish getting ready for work.

Does anybody else find it extremely ironic that in the midst of a "power crisis" here in California, that Disney is reintroducing their Electrical Parade?

Yes, I am still up. All that sleep and my sleep schedule is all messed up. *JOY*

B.'s name is still up on my AIM list. Yes, I should probably remove it and try to move on. *sigh* I wish it were that easy.

"Thank You" -- Dido

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day
and then you call me and it's not so bad
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and
through
then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
and even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

*sigh* Off to bed I go...

I stayed home from work today with the worst migraine I have ever had. I could barely see, and the pressure on my forehead, came down to my jaw. *joy* I actually woke up with it, which when that happens is never good. I was scheduled to go in at 2pm, so I got up fumbled for the Advil, then the phone rang. Some guy selling something. I said, "I am sorry, I am not interested, thank-you for waking me up." Click. Then I fell back to sleep. And woke up around 11am with the same headache. But then I thought, its probably better to go in and then go home. So I took a shower and did my hair and got dressed. But I actually felt worse after that, so I called in. D. answered the phone, so that ended the question on which senior manager I was going to talk to. She asked if I had gone to the doctor about them, and I told her, yes, but not for that. She said her doctor gave her Immatrex and that it helped, even if it made her feel a bit "loopy." So I made an appointment with my doctor, but of course she doesn't have anything open until the end of the month. So hopefully she can tell me what to do, and I can get my yearly pap smear at the same time! WHEEEEEEE!!

I was all set to pick my Mom up at my Grandma's, so imagine my surprise when I call and get my Grandmother on the phone. My Dad had already picked her up. So when she came home, she asked why I was all dressed up, and I said, "I was going to pick you up at Nona's." Oh. And then I talked to her for a bit, then went to bed for a few hours, Dad went to Jack-in-the-Box and brought home hamburgers. I wasn't sure if I could eat and be able to keep it down, since my headache was so bad. So I laid in bed about ten minutes, then ventured out into the kitchen where Mom and Dad had already claimed my french-fries! "Did you want your fries?" "Um, yes." So they undivided them, and I ate them methodically, then my hamburger, which was quite good. I hadn't eaten yet except for a few bites of chicken. Then I went back to bed. My headache had gotten worse...and I slept for about five more hours. It's all but gone now, just some faint vestiges of it remaining. But I am hungry, and craving something sweet.

Cool. imood.com has new smily faces!!

"Didn't you used to be fat?"

"She lost 60 pounds."

"60 pounds?!? That's a Backstreet Boy!"

LOL. I just saw that on a commercial for a movie and I thought it was quite amusing.

I was watching the local news today and I happened to look up at the end when the credits were rolling by and I saw the name of a girl I went to high school with. Not one of my favorite people. She is helping organizing the reunion which is coming up in September. Ten years I cannot believe it. *sigh* Part of me wants to go and part of me doesn't. The part that wants to go wants to see the people I liked, and of course my friends, who I have sadly lost touch with. Then, the other part of me that doesn't want to go says, well, you didn't like most of those people in HS, why would you like them now? And then I think the other part of me is not really satisfied with where I am in my life. I really honestly expected to be married and "established" by now if that makes any sense at all. I never finished my degree, so thus no "real" job. I still live at home...and I still really have no idea of what I want to do.

I even registered at Classmates.com, and I saw that my good friend in HS, A. had registered there as well, but if you want to e-mail someone there you have to purchase a "gold" membership.

Or a new DSL line? Hmmmm

Okee here I am, I had to check. You know me. Yes, B. is still online, thus confirming my suspicions that he did probably leave his AIM on at work. He lives quite aways from work, (if he is still at the same place, and I think he is) so him being here this early would be very unusual. LOL. Geeeez, am I sounding totally obsessed? Okee, I have to get to work now. *blah*

I'll keep a part of you with me. And everywhere I am, there you'll be. I love Faith Hill.

B.'s still online, so I wonder if he left his AIM on at work? It's happened before, so then he'd probably see my little message when he comes into work the next day, or not. Here I am trying to justify everything to make me feel better.

I need some chocolate I think. Or ice cream. Or both.

And I just noticed, my computer clock is ten minutes fast.

"I'm Like A Bird" -- Nelly Furtado

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x 3]

*sigh*

This is what it said:

Kristana41 [8:35 PM]: okay I can't stand it
anymore. Hiya. How are you? I've been
thinking of sending you an e-mail, but here
you are, so hello. :o) I think that's it.

*sigh* My head hurts. No response. *sigh*

And my heart is beating really fast.

Okay its sent.

So here I am, and my heart is beating fast. B. is online. I haven't seen his name in ages on my buddylist, or when I have its for two seconds, and then he's off again. So the IM is written, I just haven't sent it...

Japanese Name Generator Mine is Kurisutanu.

Oooooh the excitement!!

I've been playing tonight and I created a banner for genre. Oooooooh.



I amaze myself sometimes. LOL.

Ginger seems to know when I am one of these moods. She barged in my room and is now sitting in the middle of my bed. Purring softly. Her fur is so soft. Although I don't know how comfortable it is to be laying on my make-up bag.

And M. just called...on his way home from taking one of his friends somewhere. My eyelids are heavy. He said he'd call me tomorrow.

*sigh* What tangled webs we weave.

The backs of my eyeballs hurt. I've been crying...and if I start writing about it, I will start again, so I will put if off for a bit, but it's the same old thing that isn't about B., although that may be part of it, and PMS might be another part of it. Oh the joys of being a woman in this day and age. And change...all these changes at work...*sigh*

I just need to sleep and wake up refreshed, and new and alive.

It's Monday! Wheeee!! The excitement!!!

Okeee Blogger is driving me insane right now. LOL. I tweaked the colors, so I have to republish the archives, and well, it says I have "no document element." Whatever the heck that means. Actually I do kinda sorta know what it means, and that error shouldn't be there, since I only changed the background color. So I think it's on Blogger's end. And I tried to post a new thread in Troubleshooting, and the page was unavailable...soooooooo I will just have to wait it out.

So what do you think of the new color scheme? I like the darker blue much better.

I went to The Great Mall today with C. we got our nails done. I now have orange, with white, blue, gold, and purple airbrushed polka dots! They look so cool. I had the tips replaced, so I went from a slight oval shape to more of a square shape. Ouch, that hurt! LOL. Actually I think it looks alot worse than it actually felt. The lady who did the airbrushing is great. She said she was never bored. A lady came in to have her nails done, and her present nails were like three inches long! They had a wonderful red, white and blue patriotic design on them. I think when I go to convention in October, I will get something subtle, a very light blush pinks with white airbrushing, then martini glasses on my ring fingers. C. got her nails done in a gorgeous shade of royal blue with an abstract floral design in white and purple on her ring fingers. Very cool.

When we first got there and were looking for a parking spot, we found a couple who was just getting ready to pull out, so C. backed the car up so we could park there. (In front the front nonetheless, always a good thing!) The guy backing out decided to go in the opposite direction rather than the direction we were going in. Opposite the parking spot was a row of spots for motorcycles. And one lone, bright yellow, brand new motorcycle. Yep you guessed it, while we waited for the spot, he backed right into the motorcycle, knocking it over. He turned around, and then got out to inspect the damage. By that time a security guard had gotten there and was making notes. And can you believe it, the guy tried to blame us!! He was pointing straight at us!! And as we walked by into the mall, we could hear the security guard say, "Don't you even try to blame them..." It was funny in a way, but I feel really bad for the guy with the motorcycle. It didn't even have its plates yet.

I had a weird dream this morning, sorta a recurring theme of sorts of planes crashing in mid air near my house. I was out on the drive way with a group of people, looking up, as two military jets swooped low over each other, the smaller one's nose, brushing ever so slightly the other's...which sent them into a spiral and a crash down into a place somewhere behind my house. I ran into the house to call 911, and the operator was asking me all sorts of weird questions, and I was frantically trying to get her to send over the fire department and the paramedics. The crash site was actually on the other side of my backyard. I looked through this one arbor we have and could see all the action and I was describing it to the operator. It had gotten dark by this time, and I was worried that there would be a huge fire and that it would engulf my house. But then all the neighborhood animals were trying to follow me into the house. I was still on the phone. I could barely hear the operator. I was thinking I should make coffee for all the firemen. Hmmmm.

And remember that dream I had about B.?

A Blogger "Blog of Note:" The Jerry Springer Show Notes I would have to agree.

Well I registered for my classes yesterday. Web Development, Intro to Interior Design, and Elements and Principles of Interior Design. Seven units, not to mention I will still be working full time. I just need to have my schedule rearranged. I will give that to all the pertinent people on Monday. I think a month and a half in advance is enough time for them to plan around. I am also going to ask for the time off I need in October. I will be going to Tulsa, OK for about four days, for the 6th Annual Gene Convention. I can't wait. I sent my final payment off yesterday.

I am still debating if I want to go to my ten year high school reunion. Part of me wants to, to see all my old friends, and see what everyone looks like, part of me doesn't, since I didn't like most of those people then, how is that going to change now? Hmmmmm....Decisions, decisions. Not to mention, that it isn't cheap. And that's good Gene Convention money!! LOL.

Speaking of Gene, The Kristana Spa Web Log just went ad free!! Yipee!!

Next week I will be once again participating in the AIDS Walk in San Francisco. It's held in Golden Gate Park. It's lots of fun, 10K doesn't seem like such a long walk when its done with friends and for a wonderful cause. Last year it was rainy and cold and overcast, this year looks for promising warm weather. Don't forget your sunblock.

My sleep schedule is all messed up.

I was supposed to go out with L. and V. We were going to go bowling, and then to Acupulco to celebrate V.'s birthday. It's karoke night, not to mention, I am always up for margaritas. But at about 4pm, a migraine started clouding up my head, and then I felt a bit queasy. So I called L. back and told her I couldn't come. I was bummed, L. and I haven't seen each other in ages. So I came home and ate some bread and then went to sleep, woke up about an hour ago and took a shower. And here I am. LOL.

At least I will get to see L. next week for the AIDS walk.

I'm not ignoring you...I think I just need some time to myself. Now if only my headache would go away.

It's not as warm today. Thankfully. I want to sit out on the porch, hang my legs over, smell the jasmine blooming, its sweet sticky aroma permeating me. Faintly I can hear the small explosions of fireworks. I'd like to sit out there with you, your arm around me, resting my head on your shoulder. Our eyes shining wide in the bright explosions of color. Giggling as you whisper into my ear, feeling your lips brush my skin ever so slightly.

My friend K. sent me the link to BratzPack.com I want one of these now. I think I like Jade the best.

Whee!! Money from the government! Okay so its only $10, but that's $10 I didn't have!! Whee!! I feel a Jamba Juice craving coming on.

It's still hot. And hotter in my bedroom since I refuse to open the window or door, so the fan is just moving warm air around. Actually if I do not move much its okay. But some lemonade sounds good right now. Not too sweet and ice-cold. Mmmmmm...

My mood is still the same. I was talking about my dream to a friend and he says I should call B. since not knowing is tearing me up. Honestly, I still feel tears come to my eyes. *sigh* Part of me wants to call, and part of me doesn't want to call. It would be really awkward I think, for both of us, if I didn't get his machine, but I would feel even worse if I got his machine and he didn't return my message. Am I making any sense here? I wish I could just turn back time sometimes. What if I had reacted differently that night? I didn't cry in front of him, but I am sure my eyes were glistening...I was trying to be rational about the whole thing. I think he deserved that. He really was/is a nice guy, I just think unsure of what he wants. And perhaps I was too sure...my feelings more acute than his. I don't know. Oh I could analyze this over and over and over. And I have been. It's not going to change the outcome. I am here at my house alone in my bed. And he is there. Maybe alone. Maybe not.

And now I think I am retracting into myself, guarding my heart...I let it out too quickly perhaps, and that scared him. And now, I don't want to go through that again, the pain of losing someone you cared about.

*sigh*

I hate it, I hate it all, I hate feeling like this all the time. I can't go out and enjoy myself since its always at the back of my mind. I've gone out with people since then, and at the back of my mind, all I can think about is, "It's not B." Or places we went together, that memory is always there. On our first date we saw Bounce, and then had a lovely dinner at my favorite restaurant, and the last time I was there with my Mom, we sat in the same booth, and I ate the same meal, and all I could think about was B. so involved in our conversation that his meal got cold. And then staying in the parking lot of the bookstore until 2am talking about anything and everything. The same parking lot that would see our final date as well. And trips to the museum, and the park, and just hanging out.

Living at home has its disadvantages, lack of privacy being one of them, and he was the first I ever invited back here, and thus the first to ever be in my room. LOL. That sounds so junior high..."Hey wanna see my room?" The cat meowing. The cat who never comes into my room, never ever. Me remarking at that fact while I lay there. Him remarking, "Oh but you will be soon." And how I giggled, and then it soon happened, those pleasant waves...

I need to sleep and perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and find that we're in a whole different realm.

I dreamed about B. last night. He sat down next to me at some sort of event, and I looked at him and he said "Hello, Kristan." And I was speechless, and then I said, "What?" And then he said, "Now I know what its like to have more feelings then the other person." And I pulled his hand and said that we should go elsewhere to talk. And we were wandering around my Grandmother's backyard. And he took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply and passionately. I broke the kiss, and looked to the patio door which was opening,. and he mentioned something about meeting my family, and I was nervous. And he was talking to both my Grandmother and my Mother. And then I pulled him down a low incline, since we were going to go eat something. My Mother was looking at me with concern, and I told her it was okay, this was what I wanted. We walked to some restaurant and sat opposite each other around a very small table. And then he had to leave. But then I saw him again, and I was leaning back on a huge mound of pillows and he had his hand on my knee and was sliding it upward, leaning down to lick me slowly...

*sigh* I wish it were real.

It's still hot, and I am still nekkid. LOL.

12:42am laying in bed

I am still amazed that I can lay here and with this teeny tiny device and record my thoughts. Ahhhh, the wonders of technology! And then to read and play games and keep all sorts of information at my fingertips, without having to put pen to paper? Wow. Handspring Visor...don't leave home without it.

It's still hot, but lying here naked helps. Ooooh nekkidness!! LOL.

It's sooooooooo hot. Ick.

At heart of trial, a tale of love, friendship and betrayal (7/01/2001) This would make a good TV movie I think.

I hate being lonely. I hate being single. I hate living at home. I hate my boss. At times I hate my mother. I hate that it seems the only worthwhile guy I have met in awhile lives 300 miles away. I want something to sweep me up and away and make everything okay and perfect. I want to sit on the roof of my car and look up at the clear sky and listen to B. tell me about the time his lips turned blue. I want to kiss like lovers do...

And why do I even waste my time answering an IM from someone who has "sexy" as part of their screen name? When he tells me "age is but a number" when I tell him that I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable dating someone in their 40's. And then, "It's your loss...I only date thin model types anyway." Oh that hurts so much. Yeah right. "If that's supposed to make me feel bad, it doesn't, I could care less."

I should just stop listening to the radio. Hearts are broken everyday... My friend was right about that...after the whole thing with B. *sigh* Don't listen to the radio.

I hate crying for no reason. I should be over this by now. I need to go to bed I think.

A "swirl of turmoil." I read that just now in my horoscope, (I am supposed to take a step back to avoid it.) and I really like the sound of it.

Today would have been Princess Diana's 40th birthday. I am sad that she is gone.

Gothic Martha Stewart Wow! This is really cool.